Do you know what I hate about you 

No 

The thing that I hate about you is that you are so fucking boring 

A big film director

 You are nothing but a fake 

Your films are so fucking boring 

They are not true to life 

All your characters are wooden 

Do you know why I do that assassin 

You have never directed a sexscene in your whole career 

Are you afraid of cunts and cocks 

Do boobs terrify you 

I am not afraid of you and you are a total cunt 

You are a cunt now and will be a bigger cunt in ten years 

Did I hear you right man 

Yes 

Shall we step outside and settle it faggot to faggot 

We are outside my friend 

It is very sad but the redwood trees do not fit in my bedroom or anywhere else for that matter

Funny man you are a funny man 

Barbara would you tell this gentleman why I do not contaminate my films 

Barbara 

Yes she is my assistant and my wife 

Barbara is over there she is slashing your tyres arsehole 

My tyres 

Yes she has deflated three and has nearly finished with the forth 

What about the spare 

That is in the lake 

Barbara 

I love your hunting knife assassin 

You are a big man with it in your pants

Really tough 

Is it bigger than your dick 

 Do you have a small dick 

I think that he has a small dick Ray 

Maybe but I think that you should enlighten him 

The reason is easy 

Ray makes important films but does not compromise his art 

Cunts

Dicks 

Boobs 

Does the audience really want to see couples grunting in the hay 

No 

They want to see real people 

Good people 

Troubled people 

Lost people 

That is shit and you know it 

You might be right small dick 

May I call you small dick 

I am armed motherfucker 

Did you hear that Barbara small dick has a big dick and he wants to use it 

I am not wearing anything underneath you know 

Are you going to rape me and then kill Ray 

My sister you explloited my sister in your fucking movie 

Which movie 

A Good Man 

That was not my movie 

Then whose fucking movie was it 

Ray Loeb 

Ray Loeb made that movie 

My movie was called 

The God Man 

What was your sisters name 

Patsy 

Patsy what 

Just Patsy 

Ray Loeb is a friend of mine and I know that if I let you go then you might hurt him 

You see I do not include sexscenes in my movies becaise of one thing 

That is true is it not Gloria 

Very true Ray 

Who the fuck is Gloria 

My sister as I like you I have a sister and unlike you I do not fuck her

She is over there holding a shotgun 

Gloria has a sure eye a very sure eye

As I was saying I do not include sexscenes in my movies is for one reason and one reason only

That is because punks like you will either sue me or arrive at my house unannounced and ask for money 

You will say that I bullied or coerced an actress to undress in my movie 

That is not the way I work assassin 

I respect my actors and do not really see any reason to bully them 

I do not know who your sister was 

A porn star maybe 

Do you fuck her in your dirty apartment with the cameras rolling 

Do you actually get it up 

Or do your movies cater for the losers in society 

Losers like you motherfucker 

You are a dead man 

I will rape the bitches first and make you watch 

And then I will kill you Ray

Excuse me if I move as I am shitting myself 

Gloria 

Yes 

Ask him if he wants to live or die 

Answer quickly my friend 

That shotgun is so very powerful 

It almost knocks over my little sister 

But that will not worry you will it 

As your head at a guess will land over there 

And before we eat 

I will bury you near the barn next to all the other punks who come out here with money on their minds 

But you have a choice my friend get your small dick out of your pants and place it on that bench 

Then you will apologise to my wife and sister and then to me 

I will let you go into the woods but if I see you again I will hunt you in those woods and when I find you I will nail you to a tree and then put my sisters shotgun up your miserable arse and pull the trigger 

Do you think I am being fair ladies 

Yes Ray 

You are a good man 

Bravo Jane that was a marvellous piece of writing 

I wrote it for a friend 

Is she making a movie 

A short movie yes

She has been invited to show it at next year’s Bexhill Festival  

What do you think Stan 

Stan 

Where is he 

I do not know 

There he is running through the woods 

There are no woods in Kings Cross 

Just imagine that there were Sally 

Oh yes I can see him 

Stan 

Stan it was not real 

It was only Jane’s script 

Do not worry he will be back when the coast is clear 

Poor Stan 

Is he always like this 

Only when the moon is full