Alright you have talked me out of being an intimacy coordinator

I did not realise that it would be so much hard work

Thank you for your concern Joe

Do you realise that I used to be until recently

An Equality Diversity and Inclusion Manager

You traitor Aphra

Just because you are so good looking and hot

Does not mean you can you can run roughshod

Over gentle creatures like me

It will be bad for my mental health

Why did you leave

I was sacked

Why

Because of an incident at the funeral

Whose funeral

The funeral of my boss

Is he dead

Obviously

Did you murder him

What makes you say that

Because I have a knowledge of you

And you fucked me half to death

Even though I had overdosed on Viagra

But you are hung like a nigger Joe

Unlike Norman who is hung

Like a stick insect

I am going to report you to the RSPCA

Y

Because you are being cruel to stick insects

I can assure you that I did not murder my boss

I did not fuck him to death

Joe a question

Rangoon

I have noticed in certain lights

That Normans dick is more tanned

Than it used to be

Is he a naturalist

Not that I know of

So do you think that he is turning into a nigger

There is a condition

Vitiligo

Do you think that Norman has Reverse Vitiligo

I doubt it

But there has to be an explanation

Is he beginning to smell

Funny you mention that

Did your boss come on 2U

Yes

It was hardly noticeable at first

A posh dinner here a pretty gossamer dress there

Barging in when I was enjoying my vibrator

All the small things like that

It slowly got worse

And before long he was wearing my panties

That is quite common

Not with a used towel

I said that I would tell his wife

What did he say

He raised my salary

I started on forty grand and finished on ninety

I can see where this is going

There was not one perversion that he was not into

I fellated him and he pissed on me

And I regret to say that I pissed on him

Again that is quite common

Josie and I often piss on each other

We piss each other off

Funny man

But there was one thing I drew a line at

What was that

The Cleveland Steamer

Especially after a decent curry

He offered me the world

He offered me luncheon vouchers

And a company credit card

He offered me Josie

Slut

But I did not give in

I frequently sat on his sweaty face

As he feasted on my hairless fig

I pissed on him

We often shared Liverpool together

Urinary infections were a happy bonus

The Cleveland Steamer was however off limits

It was like being fucked by a filthy Marxist

Also he was over twenty stone with a flabby white arse

With pus spots given away free

Black bum hair sweaty

Need I go on

And then he died

A heart attack

No

Then how

I placed a polythene bag over his head and hung him in a wardrobe

The cops said it was Sue Inside

But he was alone when they found him

Did you raise the alarm

No it was just at the right height

Is that was why you were sacked

No

Then why

Do not laugh Joe

Promise on my fathers life

Promise Promise

Yes Yes

In the weeks leading up to Charles’s funeral

I began to have nostalgia attacks

Those candlelit meals

The gentle anal intercourse in posh hotels

My salary the nappies and all the walks with the German Shepherds

My heart slowly broke into a million pieces

So I decided to give him the send off he deserved

I think I am going to enjoy this

It was a very posh funeral

Anybody who was anybody was there

Fed Ex delivered him to the bone yard

It was televised live in the far east

No expense was spared

What did you do

He had been shoehorned into an open coffin

As the mourners passed

They either recited a silent prayer

Some kissed him on his embalmed lips

Tongues

I saw a couple

Yuk

What did you do

I was undecided for a long time

At first and copying a movie

I saw millions of years ago

I decided not to wear knickers

As I was going to run my finger along my lips

A salty farewell into eternity

But I decided against it

I actually liked Charles

He was a gentle man

A bully and a pervert yes

But his dick was in the right place

I climbed on to the catafalque

And lifted my Laura Ashley up

There was a gasp

Laura Ashley at funerals

That is a treasonable offence

I then shit in his face as a token of love

It was my last gift to the man I hated