Hi Martha

Josie

Its my birthday today

Are you Welsh

Fuck no

You said that you would tell me Joe’s big secret

Did I

You did

It all started in Lanzarote

When we were much younger

Mummy and Daddy sent us on annual beach holidays

Just for being good little fuckers all year

You said your prayers each night

Like clockwork

We went to Lanzarote

Which is a beautiful island

But it was a total disaster from beginning to end

Explain

On the first day as we walked towards the beach

A couple of North Africans tried to flog us a dodgy watch

I politely declined

But was called a white whore for declining the offer

Sadly Joe speaks French

And it all got very silly for a while

I could see us both ending up on Devils Island

So I gave the Bar Luna a wide berth as I could see it happening again

Other things included people being confused by the dynamics

Of Joe and Josie

We shared a room

I walked around topless most of the time

It fried their little snowflake brains

On our last day Joe and eye visited a trendy bar

Bar Antonio

It was whilst we were there that Joe listened

To a song that he liked on the overheads

But forgot to take a note of the group

It was roughly about a couple of girls

Who steal a lorry and drive across the icy wastes

I did not care for it but as you know Joe likes

This type of music

We actually managed to return to the UK without being arrested

And Joe contacted a friend who identified TaTu as the duo

All fine and good and he ordered the CD from HMV

The assistant Viola was very very helpful

He later told me they were mates

Joe was due to pick up the CD when he accompanied Daddy

To the Conference of Churches in Canterbury

I would not say liking TaTu should be a guilty secret

Not to my taste but hey ho

Joe broke his ankle playing football

On the Saturday before the Wednesday

He was obviously unable to travel anywhere

Let alone Canterbury

And Daddy being Daddy said he would pick up the CD

What was wrong with that

Nothing in itself

But Daddy was with the Archbishop of Canterbury and other members of the cloth

Let us say that it raised eyebrows

I thought it was funny but Joe was more straight about it

The fun and games in Lanzarote

Came out shortly afterwards

Fighting with the blacks

Being deliberately shocking

Daddy did not often get cross with us

But on this occasion he did

And Joe thought he had let him down

He never mentions it

Especially since Daddy died

Is that all

I thought it was something juicy

Not really

Joe presents this edgy devil may care attitude

But he has a very soft centre

That is why he can be so shitty with people

Have you any secrets Martha

Yes many

Do share

When is your birthday