Am I right in thinking that your name is Constance

Yes

That is a pretty name Miss Perkins

I like it

Who chose your name

Which one

You are confusing me

I am sorry that I am confusing you

Perkins comes from my father

He comes from a long line of Perkins

In Taylor County

His father was a High Court Judge

My mother chose my first name

Constance

After a novel by Peter Handke

The Ride Across Lake Constance

What are his books about

Various things but mainly the deadening effects

And underlying irrationality of ordinary language

Everyday reality and rational order

Have you read any of his books sir

I cannot say that I have but they sound interesting

They are

But to return to more pressing matters

Please would you confirm your profession

I am the current goalkeeper for the LA Raiders

Is being a goalkeeper seen as a profession

Are you not by profession a soccer player

I am but I play in a specialised position

You know why you are here Miss Perkins

Yes

I bared my butt to the Miami Dolphins crowd

Why did you do it

Because I had just saved a penalty

But is it not your job to save penalties

It is but I am not very good at it

Why is that

It is all in my head sir

Explain

Whenever I face a penalty

I do not think that I will save it

Why is that

If I knew the answer then I would save more penalties

But you saved the Miami Dolphins penalty

I did but it was the first penalty that I had saved in seventeen

And that is the reason why you are here Miss Perkins

Please explain your actions to me

I was so happy that I had saved a penalty

That I dropped my shorts in front of the Miami supporters

Was there any reason for that

Not really but I had been called fat arse by some in the crowd

Do you think I have a far arse sir

I am not here to answer that question

You do have to realise that some attending

Might have been offended by your display

I do understand that although I would add

That in this world of ghastly wars

I do not think that my bare arse would be considered offensive

I have another question Miss Perkins

Have you gained a financial advantage because of your actions

I received a win bonus and another bonus for my penalty save

Let me rephrase my question

It has been brought to my attention

That you have been photographed by Sports Illustrated

Yes I posed for the magazine

Were you wearing a swimsuit

No I was displaying my naked butt

Why

Well if is was good enough for Megan

Then it was good enough for me

Did you gain financially

In a way yes

I was paid for the photographs but the tattoo came free

Tattoo

I had the tattoo of my soccer club added my butt cheek

Was it a permanent tattoo

Heavens no

Miss Perkins I have been told that you donated your fee to charity

That is true sir

Then why are we here Constance

You are a fine young lady with a big heart

Quite why charges were brought against you

Is open to question

You are free to leave this court

Thank you sir

But just before you leave please accept this tip

My son plays for a football club in the UK

He is a goalkeeper like you

Does he save penalties

Frequently

What is his secret

He makes notes on his water bottle

It is surprisingly effective

I will take that approach

This I hope will help you in future matches

But do please keep your butt covered

Would you like me to sign your copy of Sports Illustrated

If you would be as kind

Both of my sons and my daughter have followed you career

This will make them all very happy Miss Perkins

My pleasure