When one was at St Percy’s

There was an annual skool trip

Nobody looked forward to them

The destinations chosen were boring to say the least

And were often quite regrettably in Wales

Llandudno Tenby and the Brecon Beacons

We were not expected to wear our skool uniforms

Which was a bonus as we just looked like chumps


Do you have any outstanding memories

A few like the day that we left Jayne Jane in the loos

Nobody noticed her absence for over ten miles

She had managed to lock herself in cubicle number two

How embarrassing for the young lady

None of us cared as she was fat and mouthy


What about you Claude do you have any memories

I once stole a snow globe from a gift shop

That was very dishonest of you

Were you punished

I was punished but not for the theft

What were you punished for

I dropped the snow globe on the coach on the way home

And the glass and the other muck went everywhere

All over the floor and under the seats

Miss Burton who was wearing sandals cut her toe

On the top of this and to make things worse

Wilson Davis was sick twice on this trip

Candy floss bubble gum and greasy chips

We all suffocated mark my word

But the mixed colours were acceptable


Have you any other stories

Yes but it was pretty gruesome

Pray tell

Have you ever taken Milk of Magnesia

Yes on a couple of occasions

What are your thoughts Peter Paul

It is an agreeable medicine

Do you ever read the directions

Not really as it does rely on common sense

Long story short I ate too many hot dogs

When visiting Aberystwyth and suffered greatly

But as luck would have it

I had previously raided Matron’s sick cabinet

After having been stung by a wasp

What has this to do with Milk of Magnesia

Everything and nothing as during the theft

I stole other goodies to sell around the dorm

Including Milk of Magnesia I take it

Yes

It has a nice taste rather like mint vomit but cooler

My guts were on fire and before I knew it

I had consumed the whole bottle

Did it cause you problems

Yes

I to put it bluntly I was about to poo for England

I asked Jenkins Minor to glue my thighs together

Did that lessen the disaster

Yes but not for long

I will qualify this as it was the last ever uniform trip

And I was wearing my grey cotton shorts and white shirt

Miss Salmon rushed me to toilets and waited outside

I can guess what happened

Then you are totally right

The explosion was worse than a nuclear test

Really that sounds grim

It was

I did not even have the time to remove my shorts

Before I filled my Y Fronts right up to the brim

A sweaty journey mixed with Milk of Magnesia

After a while Miss Salmon became worried

She opened the door before passing out

Houston we have problem

Here I was trapped at a rest stop in deepest Wales

My art mistress who was in charge of Year Zero

Has been asphyxiated by the explosion

My white pants were no longer white

They resembled the Somme

My grey cotton shorts were no longer grey

But a mixture of white black and brown

Did your white shirt survive

Not really as much of it resembled Spot the Dog

Your tie

It was unharmed

I can remember sitting on the test site

In paroxysms of laughter

I had not laughed so much

Since my mothers dog had been squashed by a tractor

Whilst I was sleeping in the orchard

How did your masters sort the situation out

Well Mr Lewis Williams revived Miss Salmon

And she returned to the coach gasping for air

He suggested to the coach driver that a visit to Aqua World might be in order

As my fellows were getting restless because many had guessed my misfortune

I had always liked Mr Lewis Williams as he was a mans man and a war hero to boot

What happened

He returned to the coach and fetched his best raincoat

And told me to thoroughly wash myself in the sinks

Sinks

Yes I used all twelve of them

Whilst I was scraping myself clean he left me alone

He was away for about half an hour and returned carrying the following

A lavender and pink rugby shirt two sizes too big for me

Black cotton shorts

Rugger socks that matched the shirts

And rather surprisingly black swimming trunks

This confused me initially but soon made sense

I had been kitted out in the colours

Of St Peters School First XV

He had visited the only sports shop in the village

Whilst Mr Lewis Williams was disposing of my soiled clothes

At the local radioactive disposal unit

I soon dressed and took the role of the St Peter’s scrum half

What a hero I was

When my fellows returned from Aqua World

They gave me a hearty cheer

Miss Salmon had recovered although she was still looking pale

Many asked me what had caused such a reaction

I blamed the hot dogs but was not really believed

It is said that your skool days are the best years of your life

I tend to agree with this

Especially with healthy doses of Milk of Magnesia



Christopher-Claude Mills-Barnes