I have never really liked zoos

Its is all bit cruel I think

One minute you are out in the bush

Eating Swiss tourists

And next you are in some fucking zoo

With millions of kids taking photographs of your arse

But Dennis and Deidre love zoos

And nag Jayne and Billy No Mates

To take them there

Forty fucking quid

I only want to look at the animal not buy it

But Daddy we can adopt a piranha

What a fucking rip off

Adopt a piranha

Yes we get two photographs a year and a card on our birthdays

This said at least my children behave

Which is quite refreshing

As other peoples little fuckers are everywhere

In the tiger compound scaring the poor creatures

Stealing peacock feathers and flogging them to idiots like me

Chucking their toys and sandwiches into the rare fish aquariums

Funnel Webs do not get me started on Funnel Webs

I have not used a zoo toilet since 1958

But it could be worse

As I could be an Australian who likes a nuclear curry or two

Imagine this you are sitting in the bog with raging diarrhea

You have been sitting there for four days

The only thing that you have not passed is your tongue

And then you see a dusky Funnel Web down the pan

What would you do is the eternal question

When I was a kid there used to be an elephant at Bristol Zoo

It was a bad tempered beast and because of this

I thought it would be funny to fart on Rosie during a ride

That did not go down well with Rosie

And the next thing I knew was that I was flying

Over the Clifton Suspension Bridge

Having previously collided with a Sputnik

I suppose it was a rite of passage

But I could not sit down for a week