When she was seventeen years old

Gretta was involved in a serious accident

She was knocked off her bicycle

By an uninsured and inebriated car driver

As the result of this she lost part of her left leg

Which should have been a disaster for her

But it was the beginning of her literary career

As within a year she had written her first book

The Slow Adventures of Gretta Tear

Which described her walks around England

She followed this up with

The Slightly Faster Adventures of Gretta Tear

Which helped to finance the killing of Levi Rose

The driver of the car that almost killed her

Such was her hate of the local gypsies

That she had their foul caravan park

Burnt to the ground with a number of casualties

Her third book

The Extremely Fast Adventures of Gretta Tear

Was awarded a number of literary prizes

To celebrate this she arranged

For the Prime Minister to be assassinated

Followed by certain members of his cabinet

And then it all stopped as she moved to Palm Springs

To become musical transcendentalist twice removed

Her books are still best sellers

But she has never been suspected of being a vigilante

Last year she published a satirical novel

About the sexual perversions of disabled people

It is going to be made into a movie

Starring Rex Golden and Gretta herself

I have been employed to be the intimacy coordinator

An Intimacy Coordinator 

I am the blonde guy

Nearest to the real tea trolley

I may be a failed writer

But it was good why it lasted