Sir

You asked for my audience

Captain Wilberforce

How nice of you to come

Please take a chair

That is okay

As I have plenty

Enough for the whole platoon

That is if we had a platoon

Then please sit on my only knee

I will if you do not touch me

As I really do like girls

Well not the ugly ones

Like your late lady wife

She was no lady

So the rumours were true

I am afraid that they were

Wilberforce do you know

Why you are here

Because I walked along Trench W

And then Trench A

I did not use Trench R

As the orchids are early this year

That said Trench I and Trench S

Do not have orchids

Early or not

Is Trench H

Still passable

I cannot say that

I noticed sir

But I can confirm

That Trenches E and L and L

Are full of water

Such a clever recreational facility

The army certainly looks after its own

We are thinking about a sauna

For when the nights draw in

Jolly Good Sir

Captain Wilberforce do you know

Why I called you here

It is probably because

I am so effeminate

Wearing dresses

With no bloomers

And all that

Sadly it is less serious than that

Oh dear are you still mad

About the supply ship

What supply ship

The one I mined by accident

It was carrying Boris

The Regimental Camel

Poor Boris

I bet she got the hump

Hump

Oh yes

Very good

I will remember that for the officers party

The King might like it

Although where it is a trifle abstract

He might not understand it

I agree sir

Inbreeding the curse of our times

There have been reports

From long dead soldiers

That when you go over the top

In the face of death and impossible odds

That you do not hum the National Anthem

But at the top of your voice shout

Boing Boing With My Eyes Closed

It is Boing Boing Boing With My Eyes Closed

There are three boings not two

Two boings do not really work

Why do you do that Captain Wilberforce

Because I am so happy to be at war

Some of the enemy snipers

Have very interesting stamp collections

And we exchange our doubles

It is against Kings Regulations

Which state specifically

That when you go over the top

You are supposed to kill the enemy

And not exchange stamps with them

What about dried flowers with subtle perfumes

Those too

Oh what a stinking bore

I am afraid that I must recommend

You for a Court Martial

Wow that is very generous of you sir

My own Court Martial how exciting

When will I meet these spiffing chaps

Never as they are all dead

Oh Boo Oh Boo Oh Boo

Captain Wilberforce do you not realise

The seriousness of your current station

I have never thought Virginia Water

To be all that serious

It is a matter of taste I suppose

You will be given two choices

To be Shot at Dawn

Or left in No Mans Land

Surrounded by barbed wire

With only a haddock for company

And with a target on my back

Oh yes with a target on your back

Sir you spoil me

Shot at Dawn

I like Dawn immensely

So kind and accommodating

She is very adventurous

And does not mind which hole

Dawn in my sister Captain Wilberforce

She might be a tart

But she is still my sister

Oh lucky you

Do you still share a bed

Yes when Nanny is away

And I get the hot water bottle

The one with the knitted cover

Yes

I call it Pesky Poo

No Mans Land

Why do they call it

No Mans Land

Is it full of young maidens

With nothing on

Unfortunately not

It is an area between the trenches

Where nothing survives

Not even soldiers

They are first to die

You said barbed wire sir

Is it new or second hand

I prefer it new

As there are less

Mangled body parts

Tangled in the wire

Call me a sissy

But they go off so quickly

Sir if I chose No Mans Land

Do you think that I would be allowed

To build a small wooden hut

Nothing fancy

Just a few bookshelves

A lift plus a wine cellar

And a tunnel back to good old Blighty

I am not a greedy man

Let it be said

He is not a greedy man

The barbed wire is it an extra

No it is part of the package

Then I will take No Mans Land

Please apologise to your sister

She does not really smell

But needs to do something

About her pubic fungus

The barbed wire was the tie breaker sir

As I will be able to write my memoirs

Without the pesky foxes getting in

I thought you wrote anti-war poems

No that is not me

I think that you are the war poet sir

Oh yes how silly of me to forget

You also wrote the works of Milton

During the last ceasefire

So I did

Again how silly of me to forget

Wilberforce are you tired of this idle chat

I would much prefer to be in the Messy Officers

That stuck in this awful wretched trench

I would happily buy you a Somerset Beer

And a stick of salted celery dipped in blood

My Court Martial you have not mentioned it again

Oh that

Consider it cancelled Wilberforce

Sorry to be a favourite uncle and let you down

I was so looking forward to my Court Martial

Oh my bum stinks Captain Wilberforce

Then I suggest you wash it sir

I tell you what I will recommend

You for one of those crosses

They are becoming very popular these days

Men are climbing over each other to win them

What colour would you like

Any colour as long as it is blue

May I swop it for your battle whistle

It is already yours

I never found a use for it myself