I am most probably the only cat in the world who has known Napoleon’s three sisters. In my occupation as a documentary film maker I have met and dined with all three women during my visits to the South of France.

Elisa Bonaparte

Elisa is the most beautiful of all the sisters who has hair the colour of a wheatfield and marble white skin which unlike mine remains untouched by the savage Mediterranean sun. She has a degree in soil science from Oslo University and often travels with me to the salt flats of Salin de Giraud  where we study the lunar landscape and record the changes in colour that occur throughout the day. Elisa quite frequently takes saline samples from the waters and as the day draws to a close takes her daily swim in the sea. She has a rose growing from between her breasts and when I enquired once why she should have a rose growing there she replied noting that all beautiful women have flowers growing from their bodies. Only the flowers vary.

Pauline Bonaparte

Pauline is known as La Soeur Plaine by her family but is clearly the favourite of her brother (which does indicate gossip in some quarters). She is a large woman who is heavy in her mannerisms and somewhat clumsy. As with Elisa she likes to take an evening swim however when observing her naked form I can see no trace of flowers although she does have foliage covering some of her pelvic area. Pauline is a great devotee of the game of Hopscotch and often stops when driving to play the game. She tends to favour the American Court but does have both the English and English (Simple) courts laid out in home near Arles. When playing hopscotch she likes to invite the Jacobean dramatist John Webster to join her. Both hold a Uzi submachine gun in their right hand and whosoever loses the game is assassinated at close range by the other. It is a bloody sport but great fun although it did mean that Pauline missed our delicious meal of Peach Cream Soup last week as she was recovering from her wounds in a hospital in Nice.

Caroline Bonaparte

Caroline is a Biker Chick who rides her huge Harley-Davidson nosily around the area. In some ways she is as attractive as Elisa but her slovenly way of dressing and her lack of grooming (she has underarm hair and piercings all over her body) detract from her inner beauty. She does not swim with her sisters much preferring to ride her Harley up and down the beach but on occasions when it is very hot she does join her sisters. Although she denies it she does have bunches of violets growing from her left shoulder down to her waist. Another quirk of her character is that she adores birds sitting on telegraph wires and I have seen her feeding them on many occasions. She tells the birds that her name is Pauline and I am informed that a sculpture park has been opened in her honour on the outskirts of Lille.

I am currently filming a documentary about the salt water lagoon at Etang de Vaccares. This is a three month project which has been sponsored by John James the Bishop of Calcutta. My remit is to see if I can find traces of any of the lost novels written by visitors searching for God in the wetlands of the Camargue. It is known that there was a monastic community in the area in the 1840s.

So far I have only found a few words and sentences mostly discussing the saline qualities of the waters but I am told that nearer the middle of the lake there is an entire book devoted to the discovery of God in the region and how the waters are not saline to the taste but sweet to those who believe.

The three sisters of Napoleon are due to join me in a week’s time and we intend to sit in our bird watchers hut and await the arrival of Our Lord who will indicate where the book is likely to be found.

Until then when I am not working I will talk to the sand lizards about life in general and why I have a clutch of pink orchid’s covering the exposed regions of my arms.