My father was a newsagent in a country town

I was the senior paperboy in a country town

But there was a catch as my rounds included

Three of the surrounding villages all up steep hills

In all it was a five mile round journey in all weathers

This said it paid well and I always had pocket pounds


I had fallen out of love with my small country school

As I felt that it did not challenge me I wanted Will Shakespeare

But was forced to read about Captain January and Percy White

My English teacher was Mrs Anne Rochester-Briggs cut out of stone

She had once been attractive but time had not been kind


Mrs Anne Rochester-Briggs lived in Cedars Wood

And every day without fail I delivered The Times

I can remember the December morning in question

Fairy Feet the silent paperboy was walking towards the house

When he spotted a middle aged woman quite lounge naked


I was more surprised than shocked it did not seem real

But my attention was focused on her massive bush

It was excessive much thicker a wider than the few I had ever seen

As mathematics would have it I had Double English that day

But I could not get Mrs Anne Rochester-Briggs out of my mind


Even after Captain January had been captured by the Germans

I watched as Mrs Anne Rochester-Briggs walked around the classroom

Reading from Shot at Dawn and asking rather obvious questions

I knew her better than my classmates I knew all her fading secrets

Her small breasts and saggy bottom and her spectacular black bush


A week or so later I fell totally in love with the mathematics of coincidence

As I saw Janet Keys Smith naked in her garden bedroom

I did not really care for Janet Keys Smith as she was always rude to me

Although she was very lovely in a Eurasian sort of way

Her father was English and her attractive mother was Chinese


My name was Charlie Petersen but she always called me Petersen

Which I disliked as I always called Janet or Jan for short

She had been seen by Fairy Feet the silent paperboy in all her glory

I had first thought to keep this to myself a present on a bleak wet morning

But decided to tell Janet just to get her back for her bitchy behaviours


At first she did not believe me but I described her theatre in detail

The details of her toilette her underwear and the horse scar on her bum

In an instant she changed I was no longer Petersen but Charlie her new friend

It was at about this time I decided to read mathematics at university

I studied linear mathematics and the mathematics of coincidence and did well




Fairy Feet the Silent Paperboy