Mona we have not entertained for a while

That is because I buried the ashes of the budgie

Where Toots could see the trains for eternity

But we do not live next to a railway

We live next to a canal

It is that long wet thing near the rockery

Toots was not keen on the barges you know

He never saw a barge again

After you set fire to his cage

It was his tenth birthday

Rule One – no birthday cakes in budgie cages

Rule Two – do not lie to the vet

I did not lie to the vet

You said that you were from Serbia and spoke no English

Poor Toots was just a pile of smouldering feathers

And I had to say that he had spontaneously combusted

Did Mr Wicks believe you

I invited him to our German Expressionist Evening

Did you invite his fluffy German Shepherd

There was no room for him on the towpath

The last time somebody tied their dog to a barge

It ended up somewhere north of Aberdeen

You note that we are having a German Expressionist Evening

Yes

What are we supposed to do

Get all German Expressionist and dance barefoot in the garden

We do not have a garden Steve

Really

Yes just a smelly weed strangled canal

I wondered why all my bedding flowers

Were found floating dead in the local locks

We could get all German Expressionist on one of the barges

There are so many colourful examples passing by

Do you not think the owners would object

We would share the vol-au-vent’s with them

You make the best vol-au-vent’s in Bath

I normally make them in the kitchen

No contamination from our herbal shampoos

That is very important

Mono I have a question please answer it honestly

Yes I do like Taylor Swift

It is all very pure nothing sordid

No not that question

Did you after Toots died dye his feathers green blue and red

I wanted him to look better

Toots was just a lump of incinerated budgie

You were fooling nobody but yourself

But Mr Wicks sent him to a budgie convalescent home in St Ives

It had all the facilities for budgies to get better

Art classes and more art classes

Art classes in German and Spanish

And lessons on how to get the best out of your allotment

Toots ended up in the bin for used coffee cups

Really

Yes

Coffee cups

Yes

I did not know that Toots liked coffee

Tea yes but not coffee

Black or White

Silly Boy