It was all about being lonely
Is this a play for five characters
No six
I can only count five
Have you counted yourself
No
Then you are a cunt
My name is Stephen
Then you are a cunt Stephen
My talk is why fat women
Walk along beaches
With very little on
All people should be free to choose
Who said that
I did
What is your name
Louise
I used to know a Louise
She was very tall and blonde
How tall are you Louise
Five two
Five three
Would you walk along a beach
With very little on
No as I consider myself overweight
Then why do you not wear a belt
Because the buckle rubs
Do you realise that every time you get up
You reveal acres of your butt crack
Do I
Yes
The Spanish girl who is sitting next to you
Is called Ines
She is far taller than you and considerably more beautiful
It is a pleasure to gaze upon her
When this lecture ends would you please give me your time
I am not wearing a watch
We have a comic genius in our midst
You may be fat small and exceedingly plain
But you are comic genius
Please see me at close of play
And I will give you twenty pounds to buy a belt
Be nice to the world Louise and it will be nice to you
Ines why do you think Louise is here at the summer school
I can think of better places to be than Manchester in the heat
Mark
Yes
Ines does not speak English
She finds English an exceedingly difficult language
You are Tony yes
Is is short for Antonio
Really
That was my fathers name
He was named after his father
Who was anally raped by a communist in 1938
Where did this communist come from
From his mothers cunt as we all do
Comic genius
You are a comic genius Louise
Manchester
I cannot sat that I like homosexuals
But I do not hate them
There is no way I would harm one
What about three homosexuals
Comic genius
It is just that I cannot see the attraction of anal sex
Neither do I
I thought you did not speak English
I speak a little English
That is nice to know
My church does not approve of anal sex
Are you a Catholic Ines
I do not understand you Mark
My name is Colin
Who asked you
I am the fifth character
Are you a homosexual Colin
Never in a million years
I would string them all up
But do not choose to do so
Why is that
Because I live in the desert
There are no trees in the desert
So even though I would string them all up
I would not be able to do so
Then why are you attending this summer school
Because I am looking for a fuck
So am I
I thought that was the case Louise
I am a virgin you know
Knock me down with a feather and call me Margaret
I feel that my body clock is in overdrive
I would not fuck you even if I was paid to do so
That is not nice Colin
I find Louise repulsive
If I had a choice I would fuck Ines
As she has an air of mystery about her
I fear that Antonio has beaten you to that prize
But Antonio is her brother
And
Brothers should not fuck sisters
Would you fuck your sister Mark
I am an only child
If you had a sister Mark
That depends
You are confusing me
I do not have a physical sister
But I have a dream sister
And she is very ugly
I would rather fuck Louise
If you had a choice between Louise and Ines
Who would you fuck
Obviously Ines but that is impossible
Why
Because her English is very limited
End of Act One