We had a small sweet shop Near the nuclear power station In my home village Before it burnt down Before it burnt down It was called Merry Maids And run by my three sisters Who had identical chests and prominent nipples They were named Nicky Nichola Susan and Dave My favourite sister was Mandy All…

He had lost his right arm during the civil war But the loss did not hinder him in the least As he fought with left his arm His ghost arm remaining dormant This is how I met him just after university I was a naive English girl with a marble complexion Whereas he was rugged…

Matilda Jones Had no bones Even in a dress She looked a mess This is the only poem Ever written About Matilda Jones And her lack of bones

About two days after we arrived My wife came up to me and asked Why am I naked Even though she was fully dressed I looked at her intensely and said That was the name that your parents gave you It could have been worse as my name is Gwen

Three people are trapped in the before life Which technically is the conclusion of the after life They are trapped in a ridiculous elevator Which although it does not move ascends and descends Whilst ignoring the wide passages of movement and time Two of the trio are women one is beautiful the other plain Both…

I must say Gracie that you are the most beautiful girl That I have ever seen I am on the rag Graham Is that why you are wearing black Yes that is so sweet of you to notice Have you ever shit your pants Yes When Normally when I have eaten wog food by mistake…

I saw God on my train this morning He was reading a redundant newspaper I wanted to tell all my fellow passengers But was unable to share my exciting news As between six and nine All trains run silently in LA

I dream about brushing The fine white sand From your exposed shoulders And discovering your tattoo

You are as beautiful As the sea But I dream Of other things

I normally sleep alone And only share a bed When my ex visits me But last night I dreamt That I was sharing my bed With a large hairy sheepdog As well as Veronika Paule