eye had been sitting on the train for about ten minutes reading a book about the irish rebellion of seventeen ninety eight<\/p>\n
my book had been lavishly illustrated by george cruishank<\/p>\n
eye was studying in graphic detail an illustration of the murder of george crauford and his granddaughter when eye noticed the woman opposite me looking very pale<\/p>\n
with sympathy eye closed my book but it was too late as by the time we reached hampstead the woman had faded totally leaving only her home waters<\/p>\n
eye alighted at this station as eye was seeking a racehorse<\/p>\n
there are no racehorses in hampstead\u00a0 <\/i><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
the golf links near the racecourse had become overgrown and the once pristine greens were now covered in weeds and populated by greedy rabbits which hid occasionally when large birds came into view in my opinion neither care for the scottish game<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
do you teach it as an undergraduate subject <\/i><\/p>\n
eye am a lawyer<\/i><\/p>\n
the biggest thrill for me is testing myself against the senior judges <\/i><\/p>\n
universities are basically research institutions <\/i><\/p>\n
that is not teaching but indoctrination <\/i><\/p>\n
it was like teaching a lawyer to sing <\/i><\/p>\n
this is my station eye hope you will have an agreeable weekend<\/i><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
last weekend eye stood in the shadow of a windmill<\/p>\n
thinking that the sky was red<\/p>\n
eye penned a letter to you<\/p>\n
you replied within the hour detailing your thoughts on primary colours<\/p>\n
it was too late as eye had left for the beach<\/p>\n
whilst you were swimming with rupert eye lay on our yellow towel and exchanged your fine jewellery for a tray of melons<\/p>\n
you scolded me on your return as you had requested oranges<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
the red and white sign stated<\/p>\n
no tamping between markers <\/i><\/p>\n
eye ignored it and purchased a cuckoo clock<\/p>\n
eye often did this on thursdays\u00a0 <\/i><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
on the Friday evening eye settled down with lady caroline lamb and watched the germany verses armenia football match<\/p>\n
germany scored first but armenia soon equalised from the penalty spot<\/p>\n
the visitors were however destroyed as the germans scored five goals in the final twenty one minutes to win by six goals to one<\/p>\n
we had planned to visit byron in our time machine to warn him of the fever but were unable to do so because of the summer storms<\/p>\n
in view if this we decided to visit the local shops and buy our dog some carrots<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
eye cried when marquez died<\/p>\n
so did the priests<\/p>\n
on my poultry farm<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
when in florida eye watched the movie night moves for the second time eye had originally seen this movie in nineteen seventy five that evening eye painted my black veranda white whilst watching low flying planes<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
both Thomas shoel and eye were sitting in mondrians studio writing hymns<\/p>\n
tommy was composing the words and music to the opening hymn whilst eye was working on the close hymn<\/p>\n
mondrian was painting as normal<\/p>\n
during the afternoon tommys cat joined us and became very friendly with the artist<\/p>\n
at about seven in the evening the cat knocked a copy of juvenals sixteen satires into a tray of red paint<\/p>\n
we all laughed at this seventeenth satire<\/p>\n
even the cat was amused<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
when eye am fully recovered eye will begin again<\/i> said the judge as he sentenced me to six years imprisonment<\/p>\n
my crime was to have run a house a house of pleasure for twenty eight ladies<\/p>\n
one of which was his wife<\/p>\n
it must have been fun whilst it lasted<\/i>\u00a0 the judge added<\/p>\n
perfect my lord<\/i> eye replied as eye was led to the cells<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
in the caves of the blind fish eye frequently use a torch<\/p>\n
they are not aware of this<\/p>\n
however they often dance when eye play jewish songs<\/p>\n
hava nagila is one of their favourites<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
when eye was at school eye was often called<\/p>\n
the special monitor <\/i><\/p>\n
this was because eye had the ability to distinguish between different colour chalks<\/p>\n
it was considered that my gift came directly from god<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
from where eye sat eye could see the secret drinkers and their outriders in the window of the inn<\/p>\n
one of these men had a collie called hollywood bitch<\/i><\/p>\n
the dog was also looking for mahon<\/p>\n
on a beach in southern russia there stood three beach tents<\/p>\n
one yellow<\/p>\n
one red<\/p>\n
one brown<\/p>\n
they were made from a rough canvas but looked plastic in appearance<\/p>\n
nobody ever used these changing tents<\/p>\n
each day mahon passed these bathing tents on his way to work<\/p>\n
walking slowly on the fine sand of the scruffy beach<\/p>\n
mahon had never seen anybody use this beach in the six years he had been passing the beach tents<\/p>\n
he supposed that this day would be the same and passed the yellow tent without a glance<\/p>\n
it was as he was passing the red tent that he noticed something different<\/p>\n
he did not spot it straight away but halfway down the rough canvas was written<\/p>\n
menenius wife rufa the bolognese<\/i><\/p>\n
sucks rufus off<\/i><\/p>\n
shes the old bag one sees<\/i><\/p>\n
in cemeteries<\/i><\/p>\n
all the time<\/i><\/p>\n
beside a grave<\/i><\/p>\n
snatching the food placed <\/i><\/p>\n
on the funeral pyre<\/i><\/p>\n
and cuffed by the undertakers <\/i><\/p>\n
half shaved slave<\/i><\/p>\n
for chasing loaves <\/i><\/p>\n
that roll out of the fire <\/i><\/p>\n
mahon could not understand why someone would have taken the trouble to write these lines apparently with great difficulty onto this red canvas tent<\/p>\n
as he considered this thought he became aware of movement within the tent<\/p>\n
he stepped back fearing a disturbed bather<\/p>\n
the flap opened slowly and slowly a green octopus began to emerge and make its way towards the sea<\/p>\n
your dog is crying again<\/i> said one of the secret drinkers as he passed the whining dog<\/p>\n
the owner of the dog a small man did not reply and crouched exhibiting a tenderness towards his pet not normally associated with men of his height<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
on a school trip eye listened to my teachers fuck<\/p>\n
whilst discussing grammatical considerations<\/p>\n
with my naked cousin<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
eye have worked in a productive east midlands town for the last ten years designing red and white cranes<\/p>\n
my neighbour also designs cranes<\/p>\n
of no colour<\/p>\n
eye am ten years older than my neighbour \u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
in his book tomatos and war<\/i> captain richard mad rick<\/i> strange ways told of the horrors he had experienced during the first world war<\/p>\n
he was praised for the graphic description of the brutality he had witnessed but also was praised for his useful hints on how to cultivate tomatos during times of conflict<\/p>\n
strange ways was born in Cheltenham in eighteen ninety one the only son of a vicar and a cultivated field<\/p>\n
from a young age he knew that he was destined for a career in the army despite his love for tomatos and other soft fruits<\/p>\n
after serving in india and south africa he found himself in northern france in the middle of the bloodiest conflict of his long experience<\/p>\n
yet amongst the carnage and senseless loss of life he saw many opportunities for the successful cultivation of tomatos<\/p>\n
in a letter he wrote to his father in july nineteen sixteen he notes<\/p>\n
it is quiet tonight there is no movement in any of the trenches in this area apart from a party going in the german trenches for private gabbots birthday <\/i><\/p>\n
eye hope he has had a happy day and will forgive me for shooting his brother dead yesterday <\/i><\/p>\n
as eye look at the shattered trees and decaying bodies in the moonlight eye find myself thinking not of myself or my german comrades but of my beloved tomato plants <\/i><\/p>\n
from where eye stand in no mans land eye can just see my plants at the end of our trench <\/i><\/p>\n
eye consider that given the correct weather that my tomatos will be ready to eat by the end of the week
\n<\/i><\/p>\n
he earned his nickname mad rick because of his repeated visits to the enemy trenches with his pistol in one hand and a tomato plant in the other<\/p>\n
quite often he would be trapped in no mans land under heavy fire but always took the time to plant tomato plants and other soft fruits in the shell holes as he considered that the gases and decay of his fallen comrades beneficial to the improvement of the plants<\/p>\n
he once returned from an attack on an enemy trench with a cutting of a new germanic strain of tomato<\/p>\n
he built a greenhouse between our trenches to cultivate this new strain of soft fruit after agreeing to share the intellectual rights to the tomato with a captain beck who like mad rick was the son of a vicar and a cultivated field<\/p>\n
this experiment sadly ended in failure when the green house was destroyed by the concussion of a passing shell<\/p>\n
unlike many of his comrades mad rick survived the war and in the years after travelled worldwide with the army discussing new strains of tomatos with the leaders of various countries as well as passing on useful pest control hints to all who listened<\/p>\n
captain richard mad rick<\/i> strange ways died in nineteen forty four when attempting to climb mount everest with four bulgarians<\/p>\n
his companions buried him on the summit of the great mountain under a plot of tomato plants<\/p>\n
his obituary written by his daughter shirley appeared in the times the following day<\/p>\n
medium sized fruits with an excellent flavour<\/i><\/p>\n
compact plants with a heavy crop <\/i><\/p>\n
planting time\u00a0 may to june <\/i><\/p>\n
position\u00a0 forty five centimetres apart in well prepared soil in a sunny sheltered position or green house<\/i><\/p>\n
care\u00a0 keep well watered until established and in dry weather protect from frost and high mountains feed once first truss has set support plants with canes <\/i><\/p>\n
harvest approximately eight weeks after planting <\/i><\/p>\n
tip\u00a0 remove side shoots to encourage tomatos to ripen <\/i><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
my wife and eye were asked by a production company to prepare a short film on german football<\/p>\n
we travelled to north west germany to play for a small football club called sv keppler<\/p>\n
in the dressing room eye introduced my wife to the players<\/p>\n
her name is caron<\/p>\n
what is the most hated club in germany she asked of the centre half<\/p>\n
bayern we all hate bayern he replied<\/p>\n
eye thought everybody in germany hated shalke she added<\/p>\n
no everybody loves shalke said the goalkeeper as he emerged from the toilet<\/p>\n
german football is so complex<\/p>\n
we then all changed<\/p>\n
sv keppler play in green and white and their shirts are identical to those worn by hibernian in scotland<\/p>\n
our opponents were aag kirchasen who played in all red<\/p>\n
they were bottom of the table and had been knocked out of the cup the previous week by a side from the forth tier<\/p>\n
my wife was nervous about playing and making a fool of herself in fron of the cameras<\/p>\n
eye told her that the game was simple<\/p>\n
she agreed to play a holding midfield role when she came on as we were both substitutes<\/p>\n
eye was to play up front<\/p>\n
keppler scored in the first minute and led four nil at half time<\/p>\n
after seventy five minutes eye came on replacing the centre forward who suffered a slight thigh strain<\/p>\n
almost at once eye was set free by a perfect ball from the full back and outpaced the centre half before squaring the ball for our number eight to score<\/p>\n
the score was six one<\/p>\n
caron came on with twelve minutes to play and was asked to play an attacking midfield role instead of the holding midfield role that had been previously agreed<\/p>\n
with two minutes to go she headed on a corner to me and from a yard out eye managed to hit the underside of the bar<\/p>\n
the follow up was blazed over by our centre half<\/p>\n
this was the last meaningful action of the game<\/p>\n
the final score was eight one to sv keppler<\/p>\n
my camera crew confirmed that they had recorded some quality footage<\/p>\n
my wife was the toast of the club and was celebrated in the bar afterwards<\/p>\n
the camera crew my wife and eye left the football club at about five in the evening and returned to our hotel fifteen kilometres away<\/p>\n
both caron and eye had been presented with club shirts<\/p>\n
we promised to return<\/p>\n
in the hotel that evening after her second shower of the day my wife wore the green and white\u00a0sv keppler football shirt as the room had become cool<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
eye had been sitting on the train for about ten minutes reading a book about the irish rebellion of seventeen ninety eight my book had been lavishly illustrated by george cruishank eye was studying in graphic detail an illustration of the murder of george crauford and his granddaughter when eye noticed the woman opposite me […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1137"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1137"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1137\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1137"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1137"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1137"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}