The queen stood at the window ironing naked as she always did as the fresh air was good for the sores that plagued her backside<\/p>\n
The day was warm and the sky was brown with mottled cloud<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s hope we have a day of peace today \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n
As she said that a bullet pierced the window and hit the milk jug on the table<\/p>\n
It did not break<\/p>\n
The milk jugs of the Empire are made to last do hand me my automatic <\/i><\/p>\n
The Queen replaced her iron and waddled across the room and picked up the gun<\/p>\n
How many rounds a minute did you say? <\/i><\/p>\n
I am not sure beloved Stephenson will know <\/i><\/p>\n
Queen Hennessy handed her husband the gun and he shot through the shattered window three times in rapid succession<\/p>\n
I feel that I may have hit Wat Tyler the chap who fell certainly resembled him <\/i><\/p>\n
At that moment Princess Isobel walked into the room<\/p>\n
She was as naked as the queen but was a lot slimmer and only had one spot on her backside the result of an unfortunate engagement with the Infante of Spain<\/p>\n
Coffee?<\/i><\/p>\n
Please<\/i><\/p>\n
I am afraid that the milk has been shot so do ring for some more <\/i><\/p>\n
Are the peasants revolting again?<\/i><\/p>\n
They are always revolting <\/i><\/p>\n
The King and the Queen and Princess Isobel all laughed at the tired joke as they always did<\/p>\n
A footman named George entered the room<\/p>\n
Michael can you knock before you enter can you not see that I am still dressed<\/i><\/p>\n
My apologies sire<\/i><\/p>\n
I have already had to execute two of your sisters you are getting increasingly careless <\/i><\/p>\n
I apologise again sire but one of the peasant leaders has requested an audience with you<\/i><\/p>\n
Execute him <\/i><\/p>\n
I cannot sir as he is married to my mother <\/i><\/p>\n
I thought you mother was married to a hamster <\/i><\/p>\n
She was but it killed itself on its wedding night <\/i><\/p>\n
Is your mother fat like the queen? <\/i><\/p>\n
I am not of that opinion sir <\/i><\/p>\n
Then explain yourself <\/i><\/p>\n
My mother is dead she died in childbirth <\/i><\/p>\n
Was it when one of your now executed younger sisters was born? <\/i><\/p>\n
No she died when giving birth to me you were there sir you helped with the delivery and shot her afterwards because of the noise she made\u00a0 <\/i><\/p>\n
Oh yes my mind plays many tricks so much responsibility so much responsibility <\/i><\/p>\n
Shall I show him up?<\/i><\/p>\n
I thought I had executed them all <\/i><\/p>\n
You did sir but you forgot to execute the people of Port Talbot <\/i><\/p>\n
Oh yes how remiss of me<\/i><\/p>\n
Would you be a good chap and tell him to pop up at eleven and ask him to bring some milk as I feel that this jug has been soiled <\/i><\/p>\n
Anthony left the room and the King turned to his daughter who was eating her cornflakes at the table<\/p>\n
Do you know King Daddy that on Friday the 17th<\/sup> of June 1631 a certain Mumtaz Mahal died in childbirth and that her grieving husband Shah Jahan spent the next seventeen years building her mausoleum which he called the Taj Mahal <\/i><\/p>\n Would you like to visit it beloved?<\/i><\/p>\n Sadly I cannot you burnt it down as a Christmas present for Queen Mummy last year <\/i><\/p>\n Another footman walked into the room and the King shot him dead on the spot<\/p>\n Blood splashed on to Princess Isobel\u2019s cornflakes but she continued eating her healthy cereal<\/p>\n I think Thomas has a few last words for you King Daddy <\/i><\/p>\n The King knelt over the dying footman<\/p>\n I hope you have called me over to apologise <\/i><\/p>\n Yes sir I apologise humbly <\/i><\/p>\n That is a good man now die quietly <\/i><\/p>\n But sir we have the remainder of the Children\u2019s Crusade ready for execution would you like me to give the order before I die? <\/i><\/p>\n The dead footman struggled to his feet<\/p>\n His blood dripped into the princesses golden hair<\/p>\n Yes but do keep the noise to a minimum as I do not want the dogs waking up again and while you are dying do make sure that you do not get any more blood on the the carpet as it is so expensive to remove <\/i><\/p>\n An hour later the King sat with his wife and daughter in the spacious gardens that backed on to the palace<\/p>\n They were all naked<\/p>\n As were the Ladies in Waiting and the painters and decorators<\/p>\n But not the Keepers of the Royal Bees<\/p>\n Distant gunfire could be heard but this did not disturb the tranquillity of the gardens<\/p>\n Because he loved his daughter so and to celebrate her coming out as a fully-fledged lesbian he had built her a Wall of Death <\/i>between the two Yews and the Sycamore where she could ride her powerful motorcycles at increasingly precarious angles<\/p>\n Do you think I should wear leathers King Daddy when I go up on to the wall as you say that I have the most beautifu<\/i>l Infante scar<\/em><\/p>\n It is up to you lesbian dearest I like you the way you are but if you damage that mole then it might hinder our good relations with our friends in Spain<\/p>\n Prince Rupert who had the longest penis in the kingdom walked up and greeted his father<\/p>\n Behind him a shy retiring girl walked with her head bowed<\/p>\n This is Jean she is from France I intend to marry her <\/i><\/p>\n King Joe walked towards the shy girl<\/p>\n What do you think of underarm hair?<\/i><\/p>\n I like it sir it is a natural fashion accessory<\/i><\/p>\n How long is yours?<\/i><\/p>\n About three inches <\/i><\/p>\n You know that I stipulate five inches before marriage can take place?<\/i><\/p>\n I am aware of that sir and hope that my underarm hair will be of that length by Shrove Tuesday next <\/i><\/p>\n Do you know how to use a gun?<\/i><\/p>\n Yes sir<\/i><\/p>\n Have you killed many?<\/i><\/p>\n I have killed thousands in the course of my missionary work sir <\/i><\/p>\n Have you been to the Royal Pavilion in Brighton? <\/i><\/p>\n No sir<\/i><\/p>\n Good, good, dreadful building, dreadful building dreadful town <\/i><\/p>\n As King Joe finished his sentence a fireball flew over the garden wall and killed Jean and six footmen<\/p>\n Michael <\/i><\/p>\n Yes Sir <\/i><\/p>\n Would you arrange the invasion of a South Asian country spare no-one <\/i><\/p>\n Which one sir? <\/i><\/p>\n Your choice <\/i><\/p>\n Thank you sir<\/i><\/p>\n Spare no one <\/i><\/p>\n Yes sir <\/i><\/p>\n When King Joe turned around he saw Prince Rupert looking at the smouldering remains of his intended<\/p>\n She was in four pieces<\/p>\n Two parts of her body were near the roses and the other parts of the once shy girl were hanging from the trees where birds were already nesting in her thick but singed underarm hair<\/p>\n I am sorry son she seemed to such a nice girl <\/i><\/p>\n Do not worry father I only wanted\u00a0 for her sex <\/i><\/p>\n Was she good?<\/i><\/p>\n The best<\/i><\/p>\n Would you like to marry one of your cousin\u2019s I hear that they are all quite dirty in their habits?<\/i><\/p>\n Not really father they are all albinos <\/i><\/p>\n What about my favourite horse? <\/i><\/p>\n It is bisexual you know<\/i><\/p>\n I always wondered why it wore make up before going into battle <\/i><\/p>\n Would you like to marry me?<\/i><\/p>\n I like French girl\u2019s father<\/i><\/p>\n A little unusual but I have a wide mind <\/i><\/p>\n I quite fancy Princess Isobel and mummy brushes up well in certain lights so I might consider her <\/i><\/p>\n After we have slaughtered all the peasants and raped their dogs then we can sit down like father and son and discuss this matter <\/i><\/p>\n May I castrate the rebel leaders favourite football team as you know how I like sport<\/i><\/p>\n Consider it done <\/i><\/p>\n And may my favourite jazz band play as I do so <\/i><\/p>\n Yes of course as long as they do not play dinner jazz as I cannot stand that type of modern music As they spoke Princess Isobel flew up from the Wall of Death on her motorcycle and went through one of the many palace windows<\/p>\n Are you all right dearest?<\/p>\n Yes King Daddy but I am afraid that my Infante mole has been removed in the crash it is most probably to be found on the lawn<\/p>\n Not to worry I did not really like the Spanish in the first place \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n At that moment Queen Hennessy found the missing currant in her fruit cake which she was devouring at pace<\/p>\n From that day on she only spoke Spanish with a notable Catalan accent \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n Authors Note<\/i><\/p>\n The final twenty eight pages of this story were removed in homage to the mysterious writer of this cautionary tale<\/i><\/p>\n They are currently in the possession of Pierre-Paul Riquet <\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The queen stood at the window ironing naked as she always did as the fresh air was good for the sores that plagued her backside The day was warm and the sky was brown with mottled cloud Let\u2019s hope we have a day of peace today \u00a0 As she said that a bullet pierced the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1641"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1641"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1641\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1641"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1641"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1641"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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