I was brought up in the country <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In a small town near Bath <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was an idyllic childhood <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Going out with the farmers <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Before school had even started <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And killing anything that moved <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was an illiterate child <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I did not understand <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Latin until I was six<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I was loved <\/p>\n\n\n\n
By my parents<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And my siblings <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And two of the local scout leaders<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On our frequent camping trips in Wales <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was also loved <\/p>\n\n\n\n
By little Miss Stephens <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Who lived next door <\/p>\n\n\n\n
She was so small <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That even our Chihuahua<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Towered over her <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But she gave me money <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I loved her for that <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Especially when I was poorly <\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I had an attack of pubic lice<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She brought me an estate<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In Shropshire <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And when I died <\/p>\n\n\n\n
She purchased an ocean liner <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And a potted plant for me <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The only trouble was <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That the silly old bat <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kept falling over <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And breaking bones <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Which necessitated visits <\/p>\n\n\n\n
To the local slaughter houses <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Which was not great <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I hated hospitals <\/p>\n\n\n\n
There were sick people there <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some even escaped with their lives <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But my parents told me <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That it was my duty <\/p>\n\n\n\n
To visit Miss Stephens <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So there I was on the ward <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Counting the patients <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As they vomited over their dinners <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And when I was bored of watching that <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I attached the Do Not Resuscitate orders <\/p>\n\n\n\n
On the beds of anybody who looked vaguely ill<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Which provided me with hours and hours of fun <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But it all came to a sudden end <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As one day my father told me <\/p>\n\n\n\n
To take my collection of matchboxes <\/p>\n\n\n\n
To the Lucy Westenra Hospital <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I knew then that Miss Stephens <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Had taken a turn for the worse <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And sadly I was right as that afternoon she died<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The following day after my paper round<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I put her in my favourite Bryant & May box<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We buried her next to Brian the Bunny <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And my collection of innocent creatures killed on the roads <\/p>\n\n\n\n
However when her will was read I was left absolutely nothing <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In a fit of rage I dug her up and sold her to a Kebab shop <\/p>\n\n\n\n
On the outskirts of Bristol as they had run out of dogs again<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I was brought up in the country In a small town near Bath It was an idyllic childhood Going out with the farmers Before school had even started And killing anything that moved I was an illiterate child As I did not understand Latin until I was six But I was loved By my parents […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16730","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16730","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16730"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16730\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":16737,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16730\/revisions\/16737"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16730"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16730"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16730"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}