Alright you have talked me out of being an intimacy coordinator <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I did not realise that it would be so much hard work <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Thank you for your concern Joe <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Do you realise that I used to be until recently <\/p>\n\n\n\n
An Equality Diversity and Inclusion Manager<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You traitor Aphra<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Just because you are so good looking and hot <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Does not mean you can you can run roughshod <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Over gentle creatures like me <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It will be bad for my mental health <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why did you leave <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was sacked <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because of an incident at the funeral <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Whose funeral <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The funeral of my boss <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Is he dead<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Obviously <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Did you murder him <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What makes you say that <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because I have a knowledge of you <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And you fucked me half to death <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Even though I had overdosed on Viagra <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But you are hung like a nigger Joe <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Unlike Norman who is hung<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Like a stick insect <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am going to report you to the RSPCA <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Y <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because you are being cruel to stick insects <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I can assure you that I did not murder my boss <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I did not fuck him to death <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Joe a question <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Rangoon <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have noticed in certain lights<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That Normans dick is more tanned <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Than it used to be <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Is he a naturalist<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not that I know of <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So do you think that he is turning into a nigger <\/p>\n\n\n\n
There is a condition <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Vitiligo <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Do you think that Norman has Reverse Vitiligo<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I doubt it <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But there has to be an explanation <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Is he beginning to smell <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Funny you mention that<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Did your boss come on 2U <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yes <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was hardly noticeable at first <\/p>\n\n\n\n
A posh dinner here a pretty gossamer dress there <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Barging in when I was enjoying my vibrator <\/p>\n\n\n\n
All the small things like that <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It slowly got worse <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And before long he was wearing my panties <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That is quite common <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not with a used towel <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I said that I would tell his wife<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What did he say <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He raised my salary <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I started on forty grand and finished on ninety <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I can see where this is going <\/p>\n\n\n\n
There was not one perversion that he was not into <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I fellated him and he pissed on me <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I regret to say that I pissed on him <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Again that is quite common <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Josie and I often piss on each other <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We piss each other off <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Funny man <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But there was one thing I drew a line at <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What was that <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Cleveland Steamer <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Especially after a decent curry <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He offered me the world <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He offered me luncheon vouchers <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And a company credit card <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He offered me Josie <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Slut <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I did not give in <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I frequently sat on his sweaty face <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As he feasted on my hairless fig <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I pissed on him <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We often shared Liverpool together <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Urinary infections were a happy bonus <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Cleveland Steamer was however off limits <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was like being fucked by a filthy Marxist <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Also he was over twenty stone with a flabby white arse <\/p>\n\n\n\n
With pus spots given away free<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Black bum hair sweaty <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Need I go on <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And then he died <\/p>\n\n\n\n
A heart attack <\/p>\n\n\n\n
No <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then how <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I placed a polythene bag over his head and hung him in a wardrobe <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The cops said it was Sue Inside <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But he was alone when they found him <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Did you raise the alarm <\/p>\n\n\n\n
No it was just at the right height <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Is that was why you were sacked <\/p>\n\n\n\n
No <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then why <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Do not laugh Joe <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Promise on my fathers life <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Promise Promise <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yes Yes <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the weeks leading up to Charles’s funeral <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I began to have nostalgia attacks <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Those candlelit meals <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The gentle anal intercourse in posh hotels <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My salary the nappies and all the walks with the German Shepherds <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My heart slowly broke into a million pieces <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I decided to give him the send off he deserved <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think I am going to enjoy this <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was a very posh funeral <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anybody who was anybody was there <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fed Ex delivered him to the bone yard <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was televised live in the far east <\/p>\n\n\n\n
No expense was spared <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What did you do <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He had been shoehorned into an open coffin <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As the mourners passed <\/p>\n\n\n\n
They either recited a silent prayer <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some kissed him on his embalmed lips <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Tongues <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I saw a couple <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yuk <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What did you do <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was undecided for a long time <\/p>\n\n\n\n
At first and copying a movie <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I saw millions of years ago <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I decided not to wear knickers <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I was going to run my finger along my lips <\/p>\n\n\n\n
A salty farewell into eternity <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I decided against it <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I actually liked Charles <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He was a gentle man <\/p>\n\n\n\n
A bully and a pervert yes <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But his dick was in the right place <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I climbed on to the catafalque<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And lifted my Laura Ashley up <\/p>\n\n\n\n
There was a gasp <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Laura Ashley at funerals <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That is a treasonable offence <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I then shit in his face as a token of love <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was my last gift to the man I hated <\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Alright you have talked me out of being an intimacy coordinator I did not realise that it would be so much hard work Thank you for your concern Joe Do you realise that I used to be until recently An Equality Diversity and Inclusion Manager You traitor Aphra Just because you are so good looking […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-24936","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24936","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24936"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24936\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":24944,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24936\/revisions\/24944"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24936"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24936"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24936"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}