I sat next to her in the football changing room after the match<\/p>\n
She was naked and preparing for a shower<\/p>\n
Have you ever changed in a male changing room before?<\/i><\/p>\n
No it is not the most subtle of locations is it? <\/i><\/p>\n
Does it not worry you?<\/i><\/p>\n
What is wrong with your changing room?<\/i><\/p>\n
My changing room is flooded <\/i><\/p>\n
It does not bother you at all? <\/i><\/p>\n
No but look at me I am quite unlikely to cause a riot am I?<\/i><\/p>\n
I looked at her thin body her breasts were very small and were almost hidden by her protruding ribs which gave the girl the appearance of a famine victim<\/p>\n
Even the mass of pubic hair which seemed to cover her upper thighs seemed ill at ease with her slight body<\/p>\n
Your muscle tone is good you know <\/i><\/p>\n
I try to work out often <\/i><\/p>\n
I exercise a lot but this all I have the body of ragged waif <\/i><\/p>\n
She caught me stating at her pubic hair<\/p>\n
Have you ever self-harmed yourself?<\/i><\/p>\n
What makes you say that? <\/i><\/p>\n
You have scars on the inside of your thighs <\/i><\/p>\n
She did not answer and I looked at the scars which were red against her pale skin<\/p>\n
That is why I grow my pubic hair there are others hidden under my bush<\/i><\/p>\n
Was it self-harm or did you have an accident? <\/i><\/p>\n
It would have been a funny place for an accident <\/i><\/p>\n
You might have fallen from a bicycle somebody I once knew had an accident and the brake ripped open his thigh <\/i><\/p>\n
No it was not an accident <\/i><\/p>\n
Sorry I asked <\/i><\/p>\n
No I do not mind talking about it <\/i><\/p>\n
What happened did you use a razor blade?<\/i><\/p>\n
No I lacerated myself with a broken bottle <\/i><\/p>\n
Why did you do that were you in a pattern of self-harm? <\/i><\/p>\n
No I had never done it before <\/i><\/p>\n
Was it because you despised your looks? <\/i><\/p>\n
I am beautiful <\/i><\/p>\n
I agree but not all people are the same <\/i><\/p>\n
You have said yourself you attract no attention <\/i><\/p>\n
Do you find me beautiful?<\/i><\/p>\n
Yes <\/i><\/p>\n
Liar <\/i><\/p>\n
How many people are looking at us a naked guy chatting to a naked girl <\/i><\/p>\n
There are none they are all going about their own business <\/i><\/p>\n
I do not exist to them but I have got used to that <\/i><\/p>\n
Did you harm yourself because of that? <\/i><\/p>\n
No I was happy with my looks<\/i><\/p>\n
I had got used to them <\/i><\/p>\n
I knew I was more attractive to homosexuals<\/i><\/p>\n
Not all girls are attractive to homosexuals \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n
The girl laughed exposing a set of very white teeth<\/p>\n
At least God gave me something to be proud of <\/i><\/p>\n
Then why did you injure yourself? <\/i><\/p>\n
It happened when my stepmother died <\/i><\/p>\n
She was killed in a plane crash<\/i><\/p>\n
I was at home that day and saw the reports coming in on the news <\/i><\/p>\n
She was the nicest person that I have ever known <\/i><\/p>\n
Even though she was not my birth mother she treated me as her own<\/i><\/p>\n
Where is your birth mother?<\/i><\/p>\n
She divorced my father <\/i><\/p>\n
Loss in final you cannot change it <\/i><\/p>\n
It was not the loss of my stepmother that caused me to self-harm <\/i><\/p>\n
Then why did you do it? <\/i><\/p>\n
It was because I did not want it to happen again <\/i><\/p>\n
Had you lost people before <\/i><\/p>\n
No<\/i><\/p>\n
When I lost my stepmother I suffered extreme pain I did not want it to happen again <\/i><\/p>\n
It is unlikely that you would lose another loved one in an accident <\/i><\/p>\n
You do not understand my point <\/i><\/p>\n
Please explain <\/i><\/p>\n
The girl stood up and walked towards the shower room<\/p>\n
I will explain whilst I shower <\/i><\/p>\n
I have already showered <\/i><\/p>\n
Then shower again <\/i><\/p>\n
For a while the girl remained silent washing her short hair<\/p>\n
I stood under the shower letting the warm water run over me<\/p>\n
The reason that I lacerated myself was that I did not want the pain to return <\/i><\/p>\n
Have you heard of eternal recurrence?<\/i><\/p>\n
No<\/i><\/p>\n
It was an idea put forward by Heraclitus have you heard of him?<\/i><\/p>\n
No I am a simple footballer <\/i><\/p>\n
He argued that time is cyclical <\/i><\/p>\n
Cyclical?<\/i><\/p>\n
It repeated itself time and time again <\/i><\/p>\n
Nietzsche thought along the same lines <\/i><\/p>\n
But what if you had been happy would it not have been good to repeat your happiness time and time again? <\/i><\/p>\n
I was happy but then again I experienced extreme unhappiness and that is why I lacerated my cunt<\/i><\/p>\n
To fuck is to be happy and fulfilled I did not want to be happy and knew that any reoccurrence I would experience would be that of the pain that I was enduring so I lacerated myself <\/i><\/p>\n
Do you regret it?<\/i><\/p>\n
Yes and no<\/i><\/p>\n
Things can change <\/i><\/p>\n
We were interrupted by the caretaker who was standing in the entrance to the shower room<\/p>\n
When you two lovebirds are quite finished <\/i><\/p>\n
We are not lovebirds <\/i><\/p>\n
It has not been the same since they relaxed the rules <\/i><\/p>\n
I was dressed by the time the girl emerged from the shower<\/p>\n
He spent the whole time looking at me <\/i><\/p>\n
That is because you are beautiful<\/i><\/p>\n
Shit <\/i><\/p>\n
He was not so keen on my scars you know<\/i><\/p>\n
They disturbed him <\/i><\/p>\n
In the car park I watched as the girl got into her car<\/p>\n
She waved briefly and drove towards the main road<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I sat next to her in the football changing room after the match<\/p>\n
She was naked and preparing for a shower<\/p>\n
\n<\/i><\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I sat next to her in the football changing room after the match She was naked and preparing for a shower Have you ever changed in a male changing room before? No it is not the most subtle of locations is it? Does it not worry you? What is wrong with your changing room? My […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2610"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2610"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2610\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2610"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2610"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2610"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}