The room was filled with small grey monitors and for a small charge one could watch anything that was not illegal<\/p>\n
Two men of Middle Eastern appearance were chatting to their wives and kissing the screen when their children appeared with their toys<\/p>\n
That is where I found Laura sitting in front of monitor four watching grainy film of a long forgotten war<\/p>\n
She was pleased to see me<\/p>\n
Carlos how nice it is to see you <\/i><\/p>\n
You requested that I come <\/i><\/p>\n
I did not think that you would come <\/i><\/p>\n
How long has it been? <\/i><\/p>\n
Five years <\/i><\/p>\n
What are you doing? <\/i><\/p>\n
I am watching footage of the Spanish Civil War <\/i><\/p>\n
Why? <\/i><\/p>\n
I am trying to find my brother <\/i><\/p>\n
Your brother?<\/i><\/p>\n
Yes <\/i><\/p>\n
But the war ended nearly eighty years ago <\/i><\/p>\n
I am aware of that <\/i><\/p>\n
You are too young to have a brother who fought in the Spanish Civil War <\/i><\/p>\n
Perhaps your grandfather <\/i><\/p>\n
My brother was a poet <\/i><\/p>\n
They were all poets <\/i><\/p>\n
Laura touched the mouse and froze a busy monochrome image on the small screen<\/p>\n
See I think that is him <\/i><\/p>\n
The image showed a fresh faced boy of about nineteen smiling at the camera<\/p>\n
His face was tired and dirty but this did hinder his youthful appearance<\/p>\n
He was called Carlos like you <\/i><\/p>\n
Perhaps you were named after him <\/i><\/p>\n
I never knew your brother<\/i><\/p>\n
He would have liked you as you are very alike <\/i><\/p>\n
Perhaps <\/i><\/p>\n
Why are you viewing this footage? <\/i><\/p>\n
I want to know what happened to him <\/i><\/p>\n
What do you know? <\/i><\/p>\n
That he disappeared during the Spanish Civil War <\/i><\/p>\n
Do you know where?<\/i><\/p>\n
No<\/i><\/p>\n
That\u2019s a pity we might have been able to make enquiries in the area <\/i><\/p>\n
Those who were children then are old people now<\/i><\/p>\n
I am going to steal this disc would you help me <\/i><\/p>\n
How?<\/i><\/p>\n
Just distract the receptionist while I slip it in my bag <\/i><\/p>\n
Then what <\/i><\/p>\n
We will spend another fifteen minutes here looking at stock footage of the war <\/i><\/p>\n
She will suspect nothing<\/i><\/p>\n
I am not exactly friendly with the cops you know <\/i><\/p>\n
It will not come to that \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n
I walked across to the receptionist and asked her whether they had any material on Tibet<\/p>\n
It was the first thing that came into my head<\/p>\n
As she turned her back I saw Laura hide the disc in her straw bag<\/p>\n
To my surprise where was little on Tibet<\/p>\n
I sat in front of monitor one and watched footage of a festival in Northern Tibet<\/p>\n
After fifteen minutes Laura left<\/p>\n
I stayed for another ten minutes<\/p>\n
Laura was in the coffee shop opposite the library<\/p>\n
She gestured for me to join her<\/p>\n
See they did not suspect a thing I often steal from there <\/i><\/p>\n
Why?<\/i><\/p>\n
So that I may watch the discs in the peace of my apartment <\/i><\/p>\n
So you still share with Maria?<\/i><\/p>\n
Yes <\/i><\/p>\n
I hardly know her she is such a shy girl <\/i><\/p>\n
She is not shy when you get to know her <\/i><\/p>\n
Do want to come back to my apartment?<\/i><\/p>\n
I thought you would never ask<\/i><\/p>\n
Fool<\/i><\/p>\n
Are you spoken for?<\/i><\/p>\n
Yes<\/em><\/p>\n Pity I like your birthmark<\/i><\/p>\n Who is the lucky man?<\/i><\/p>\n Maria<\/i><\/p>\n Maria?<\/i><\/p>\n Yes we were joined in marriage in October <\/i><\/p>\n I thought you liked men? <\/i><\/p>\n I do <\/i><\/p>\n We had good times <\/i><\/p>\n Very good times <\/i><\/p>\n But I did not love you <\/i><\/p>\n I adored you but I did not love you <\/i><\/p>\n What did your parents think?<\/i><\/p>\n They approved of my relationship they just wanted happiness for me <\/i><\/p>\n Do they know about your search? <\/i><\/p>\n No <\/i><\/p>\n Why have you not told them?<\/i><\/p>\n Because it would cause them pain <\/i><\/p>\n They have never got over the loss of Carlos that is why they treasure Maria and I to such an extent <\/p>\n The apartment which was in the centre of Madrid was simply furnished<\/p>\n It was on the third floor and had partial views over a small park<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I often watch people in the park from this window<\/i><\/p>\n I imagine their lives <\/i><\/p>\n When will Maria be back?<\/i><\/p>\n In an hour <\/i><\/p>\n You wanted me to watch the footage with you again <\/i><\/p>\n My computer is in the study <\/i><\/p>\n Would you just watch the footage again and tell me how many times you see Carlos <\/i><\/p>\n Also see if you can see where it was shot <\/i><\/p>\n Road signs churches anything <\/i><\/p>\n The geography of the hills <\/i><\/p>\n Even the geography of the hills <\/i><\/p>\n I will prepare refreshments <\/i><\/p>\n I watched the short film twice whilst Laura was in the kitchen<\/p>\n The boy who was Carlos only appeared twice in the film<\/p>\n Initially he was cleaning his rifle<\/p>\n On the second occasion he was passing the camera<\/p>\n There were no clues as to the location of the gathering<\/p>\n I knew that if I guessed I would be wrong<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When were you released?<\/i><\/p>\n Three months ago <\/i><\/p>\n How long did you get?<\/i><\/p>\n Three years but I was out after two <\/i><\/p>\n The sentence was stiff <\/i><\/p>\n It was not my first offence <\/i><\/p>\n How do you feel about it?<\/i><\/p>\n Wasted<\/i><\/p>\n Wasted I was a fool <\/i><\/p>\n It was quick money <\/i><\/p>\n I have a lot of debts <\/i><\/p>\n My father is not rich <\/i><\/p>\n Neither is mine <\/i><\/p>\n Do not shout at me but surely he must have helped you with this apartment <\/i><\/p>\n Yes he did as a wedding gift <\/i><\/p>\n Then your father is rich <\/i><\/p>\n Still the same Carlos<\/i><\/p>\n Poor Laura poor rich Laura <\/i><\/p>\n Laura playfully slapped my face and as she did so the doorbell rang<\/p>\n That must be Maria she has forgotten her key again <\/i><\/p>\n I will let her know that I have a visitor <\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Whilst Laura had not changed greatly Maria seemed more groomed than I had remembered her<\/p>\n She kissed me lightly on the cheek but I still sensed her shyness<\/p>\n Carlos helped me steal a disc from the library <\/i><\/p>\n Carlos risked prison for me <\/i><\/p>\n Bravo Carlos <\/i><\/p>\n Laura and Maria embraced tenderly<\/p>\n I tried not to watch them as I felt a little awkward<\/p>\n See we are shocking Carlos <\/i><\/p>\n Up to recently Carlos only had male company it will take Carlos a while to adjust <\/i><\/p>\n What did they lock you up for? <\/i><\/p>\n Maria! <\/i><\/p>\n Drugs <\/i><\/p>\n Are you clean?<\/i><\/p>\n I do not do drugs I only distributed them<\/i><\/p>\n In Madrid?<\/i><\/p>\n No in the Cordoba area <\/i><\/p>\n Let me look at your arms <\/i><\/p>\n I rolled up my shirtsleeve and showed Maria my pale arm<\/p>\n She smiled but I could sense a subtle jealousy<\/p>\n See no needle marks <\/i><\/p>\n You? <\/i><\/p>\n I take everything my body is like a dartboard <\/i><\/p>\n I still have my contacts <\/i><\/p>\n You are not so shy now <\/i><\/p>\n That is because I am married as you can see <\/i><\/p>\n Are you shocked?<\/i><\/p>\n As long as you are both happy<\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n I stayed the night at the apartment but any thoughts of a sexual nature were dispelled when Laura and Maria attended a pop concert in the evening<\/p>\n Laura apologised profusely to me but they only had two tickets<\/p>\n Maria who was still slightly hostile thought that their hospitality was gratitude enough as to tell the truth I did not really have anywhere else to stay<\/p>\n I was staying with my sister but this was not a long term solution<\/p>\n After Laura and Maria had left I returned to their study and began to look at the discs of the Spanish Civil War<\/p>\n I also found some personal material but resisted the temptation to watch these private discs<\/p>\n There were seventeen discs in all<\/p>\n Some were only minutes long and others lasted well over an hour<\/p>\n Most of it was stock footage shot with a hand held cameras<\/p>\n Two of the discs contained newsreel footage and were quite graphic<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Laura came into my bedroom at about nine in the morning with a cup of coffee<\/p>\n She was fully dressed and appeared to have been out whilst I was still sleeping<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Coffee <\/i><\/p>\n Thank you<\/i><\/p>\n What time did you retire? <\/i><\/p>\n About two you were not home <\/i><\/p>\n We went to a party <\/i><\/p>\n Laura sat on the end of my bed as I sipped my coffee<\/p>\n All the discs <\/i><\/p>\n All the war ones <\/i><\/p>\n Did you watch any of the other discs?<\/i><\/p>\n No <\/i><\/p>\n Liar <\/i><\/p>\n I am an honourable man <\/i><\/p>\n An honourable drug dealer <\/i><\/p>\n Laura laughed<\/p>\n I do not mind if you watch them <\/i><\/p>\n What about Maria she does not care for me <\/i><\/p>\n She does <\/i><\/p>\n She sees me as a threat <\/i><\/p>\n You are no threat <\/i><\/p>\n I am an honourable man<\/i><\/p>\n That is why we make them <\/i><\/p>\n For people to watch <\/i><\/p>\n It is all part of the fun<\/i><\/p>\n You asked me for my help <\/i><\/p>\n So I did <\/i><\/p>\n To find out what happened to your brother <\/i><\/p>\n Prison has changed you <\/i><\/p>\n I have matured that is all <\/i><\/p>\n Well should you tire of my research then you are welcome to view all the other discs <\/i><\/p>\n We also have friends you know <\/i><\/p>\n You do not like boys now do you?<\/i><\/p>\n Were you buggered in the prison showers once too often? <\/i><\/p>\n I know a lot of boys <\/i><\/p>\n Fuck you Laura <\/i><\/p>\n I am sorry Carlos but I am spoken for <\/i><\/p>\n We both laughed I might have changed but Laura had not<\/p>\n I have watched all of the civil war discs <\/i><\/p>\n And <\/i><\/p>\n Your brother only shows up on disc eight after six and twenty-eight minutes <\/i><\/p>\n When was he born?<\/i><\/p>\n 1922<\/i><\/p>\n So he would have been between sixteen or seventeen when he disappeared <\/i><\/p>\n I was his younger sister <\/i><\/p>\n So you tell me <\/i><\/p>\n If Carlos is still alive then he would be ninety five<\/i><\/p>\n And you?<\/i><\/p>\n I am eighty-seven <\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n I was nearly unconscious as I was tied roughly to a post<\/p>\n There was so much blood on my face I could hardly see what was happening<\/p>\n I could see soldiers with rifles<\/p>\n And then the pain<\/p>\n The searing pain<\/p>\n I found it difficult to breathe<\/p>\n A soldier with shiny boots stood in front of me<\/p>\n I felt him place a gun against the nape of my neck<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Carlos tell me what you have taken? <\/i><\/p>\n The voice was detached<\/p>\n It was Laura\u2019s<\/p>\n Will he pull through?<\/i><\/p>\n I cannot tell <\/i><\/p>\n The drug is unidentified <\/i><\/p>\n We must identify the substance<\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n A soldier with shiny boots stood in front of me<\/p>\n I felt him place a gun against the nape of my neck<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n Do not worry about me the soldier has finished me off <\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n Laura came into my bedroom at about nine in the morning with a cup of coffee<\/p>\n She was fully dressed and appeared to have been out whilst I was still sleeping<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Excuse me sir but do you know the woman who has been watching the Spanish Civil War discs <\/i><\/p>\n Yes <\/i><\/p>\n Her name <\/i><\/p>\n Why do you need to know?<\/i><\/p>\n Please give me her name <\/i><\/p>\n Check your records <\/i><\/p>\n Laura de Sol<\/i><\/p>\n Then you have her name <\/i><\/p>\n Thank you sir <\/i><\/p>\n Then why ask me?<\/i><\/p>\n Because she has been stealing discs from the library for the last year <\/i><\/p>\n She has depleted our Spanish Civil War stock <\/i><\/p>\n I have informed the authorities<\/i><\/p>\n Are you her lover?<\/i><\/p>\n No I am her brother<\/i><\/p>\n Do you fuck her?<\/i><\/p>\n I am her brother <\/i><\/p>\n If she was my sister I would fuck her <\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n Laura came into my bedroom at about nine in the morning with a cup of coffee<\/p>\n She was fully dressed and appeared to have been out whilst I was still sleeping<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n Should we revive him?<\/i><\/p>\n Yes<\/i><\/p>\n Why?<\/i><\/p>\n Because of the paperwork if nothing else you oaf <\/i><\/p>\n Every time a prisoner dies then there is paperwork mountains of paperwork and then an enquiry <\/i><\/p>\n Even for a sad junkie like this <\/i><\/p>\n He is not a junkie <\/i><\/p>\n A junkie would be able to handle this <\/i><\/p>\n But he is already dead he was shot by the Nationalists in 1938 <\/i><\/p>\n Do not listen to rumours Gonzalez<\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n I was sitting on the floor opposite Laura and Maria<\/p>\n Did you sleep well?<\/i><\/p>\n Very<\/i><\/p>\n I used to sleep in that bed it is very soft <\/i><\/p>\n After prison bunks every bed is soft <\/i><\/p>\n Did you discover anything looking at the discs?<\/i><\/p>\n Not now Maria lets have breakfast <\/i><\/p>\n Well all I know is that your brother was not executed by the Nationalists in 1938<\/i><\/p>\n Because he published a book of poetry in 1946 in Argentina <\/i><\/p>\n I would have found this out <\/i><\/p>\n He used a pen name What was that?<\/i><\/p>\n An English name <\/i><\/p>\n Michael Stanley Collins <\/i><\/p>\n Is he still alive?<\/i><\/p>\n Poets never die <\/i><\/p>\n Lorca is dead <\/i><\/p>\n Is he? <\/i><\/p>\n Did he publish any further books of poetry?<\/i><\/p>\n Yes in 1951 and 1965 <\/i><\/p>\n Both were published in English in Argentina<\/i><\/p>\n Does he still live there? <\/i><\/p>\n No he left in the 1970s<\/i><\/p>\n It was not safe for him to stay <\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n Should we revive him?<\/i><\/p>\n Yes<\/i><\/p>\n Why?<\/i><\/p>\n Because of the paperwork if nothing else you oaf <\/i><\/p>\n Every time a prisoner dies then there is paperwork mountains of paperwork and then an enquiry <\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Laura was wearing a red print dress which was quite modest<\/p>\n Maria was wearing a green print dress which was quite modest<\/p>\n One of us is wearing underwear the other is not <\/i><\/p>\n Can you guess who?<\/i><\/p>\n I am an honourable man <\/i><\/p>\n You must have thought about it when you were in prison <\/i><\/p>\n I am an honourable man <\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n My head was slammed into a stainless steel basin<\/p>\n For fucks sake Gonzalez be careful <\/i><\/p>\n Even for a sad junkie like this <\/i><\/p>\n He is not a junkie<\/i><\/p>\n A junkie would be able to handle this <\/i><\/p>\n But he is already dead he was shot by the Nationalists in 1938 <\/i><\/p>\n Do not listen to rumours Gonzalez<\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n I was vomiting<\/p>\n But I did not open my eyes<\/p>\n Get it out of him get the poison out of him <\/i><\/p>\n Where in the fuck is the doctor? <\/i><\/p>\n At lunch <\/i><\/p>\n He has to eat <\/i><\/p>\n If he dies there will hell to pay <\/i><\/p>\n He\u2019s only a prison junkie we have many <\/i><\/p>\n He is not a junkie <\/i><\/p>\n He is a poet <\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n I was nearly unconscious as I was tied roughly to a post<\/p>\n There was so much blood on my face I could hardly see what was happening<\/p>\n I could see soldiers with rifles<\/p>\n And then the pain<\/p>\n The searing pain<\/p>\n I found it difficult to breathe<\/p>\n A soldier with shiny boots stood in front of me<\/p>\n I felt him place a gun against the nape of my neck<\/p>\n <\/p>\n There was a loud knock at the door<\/p>\n Police <\/i><\/p>\n Fuck! <\/i><\/p>\n Have you any drugs on you? <\/i><\/p>\n No I am clean <\/i><\/p>\n Police open the door <\/i><\/p>\n Laura opened the door and was faced with two officers who I took to be Catalans<\/p>\n Yes <\/i><\/p>\n Are you Laura de Sol? <\/i><\/p>\n Yes <\/i><\/p>\n Miss de Sol <\/i><\/p>\n Mrs I am married<\/i><\/p>\n Maria who had been in the kitchen joined Laura by the door<\/p>\n And this is my wife <\/i><\/p>\n The taller of the two cops looked at Maria\u2019s rubber gloves<\/p>\n And yes officer this is cocaine <\/i><\/p>\n We have a warrant to search this apartment <\/i><\/p>\n Why? <\/i><\/p>\n We have reason to believe that you have been stealing discs about the Spanish Civil War from the library <\/i><\/p>\n There is no need to search the apartment all the discs are in our study correctly labelled <\/i><\/p>\n My brother stole them for me <\/i><\/p>\n Your brother is dead he was shot by the Nationalists in 1938 <\/i><\/p>\n Please do not take the discs with the blue labels as those are our private discs <\/i><\/p>\n Carlos was too embarrassed to watch them <\/i><\/p>\n I am an honourable man <\/i><\/p>\n Officer one of us is not wearing underwear can you guess who? <\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n An hour later I was in a police cell<\/p>\n I was wearing\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 print dress<\/p>\n I was not aware of its colour as I had closed my eyes when I was arrested<\/p>\n Maria gave it to me as a prize for guessing that she was not wearing underwear<\/p>\n The cops applauded me<\/p>\n It was a moment of triumph<\/p>\n <\/p>\n They will throw the book at you lad <\/i><\/p>\n You have only been out of prison for a short while and you have been found in the possession of property stolen from the library <\/i><\/p>\n I am not guilty <\/i><\/p>\n They all say that<\/i><\/p>\n At least you guessed correctly that is a very pretty dress <\/i><\/p>\n What colour is it?<\/i><\/p>\n Yellow <\/i><\/p>\n Like the sun <\/i><\/p>\n Like the sun <\/i><\/p>\n There was a knock at the door<\/p>\n I heard the cop vacate my cell<\/p>\n He returned minutes later<\/p>\n The city of Madrid owes you a great apology sir <\/i><\/p>\n Why?<\/i><\/p>\n We have arrested the wrong man <\/i><\/p>\n Your papers state that you are Carlos de Sol when in fact you are Michael Stanley Collins<\/i><\/p>\n Am I? <\/i><\/p>\n You were born in Leatherhead England in 1922<\/i><\/p>\n May I keep the dress?<\/i><\/p>\n Please do it is the least we can do<\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n Laura came into my bedroom at about nine in the morning with a cup of coffee<\/p>\n She was fully dressed and appeared to have been out whilst I was still sleeping<\/p>\n In the movies I would be naked or wearing very little <\/i><\/p>\n You would be getting hard over me <\/i><\/p>\n This is not the movies <\/i><\/p>\n My wife would walk in and surprise us and you can guess the rest <\/i><\/p>\n I am an honourable man <\/i><\/p>\n May I keep your dress? <\/i><\/p>\n I do not have a yellow one<\/i><\/p>\n The cops were so kind to you <\/i><\/p>\n Maria gave it to me <\/i><\/p>\n It was a prize<\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n The room was filled with small grey monitors and for a small charge one could watch anything that was not illegal<\/p>\n Two men of Middle Eastern appearance were chatting to their wives and kissing the screen when their children appeared with their toys<\/p>\n That is where I found Laura sitting in front of monitor four watching grainy film of a long forgotten war<\/p>\n She was pleased to see me<\/p>\n We were joined by an older woman who began to look at wild flowers on various websites<\/p>\n I always choose my flowers with care <\/i><\/p>\n That\u2019s nice <\/i><\/p>\n It is for my brother <\/i><\/p>\n He died in the Spanish Civil War <\/i><\/p>\n At Cordoba in 1936 <\/i><\/p>\n My brother also died in the war In 1938 <\/i><\/p>\n He was only sixteen years old <\/i><\/p>\n He had lied about his age <\/i><\/p>\n They shot him like a rabid dog but I say they were the rabid ones <\/i><\/p>\n I spit in Franco\u2019s grave <\/i><\/p>\n So do I <\/i><\/p>\n Who is that handsome man you have with you?<\/i><\/p>\n A friend his name is Carlos <\/i><\/p>\n You look very pale Carlos have you been in prison? <\/i><\/p>\n Alas yes <\/i><\/p>\n Were you a terrorist?<\/i><\/p>\n No a drug dealer <\/i><\/p>\n Scum of the earth if you excuse me <\/i><\/p>\n This city is riddled with drugs <\/i><\/p>\n Do you take drugs my dear?<\/i><\/p>\n No never <\/i><\/p>\n I knew so you have a lovely complexion <\/i><\/p>\n I used to have a complexion like you when I was young<\/i><\/p>\n But age and cigarettes caught up on me <\/i><\/p>\n Not even a tramp would want to know me now <\/i><\/p>\n You are still attractive madam is she not Carlos?<\/i><\/p>\n You are very attractive madam<\/i><\/p>\n And you have an exquisite taste in flowers <\/i><\/p>\n My sister also died in the war<\/i><\/p>\n I still have her blood stained shirt <\/i><\/p>\n I sleep with it every night <\/i><\/p>\n She was shot by a sniper in an ambush <\/i><\/p>\n What was her name? <\/i><\/p>\n Marisa <\/i><\/p>\n My sister\u2019s name was Marisa <\/i><\/p>\n I would have fought also but I was just a child <\/i><\/p>\n Although I did set fire to cornfields<\/i><\/p>\n Who would suspect a little girl?<\/i><\/p>\n I will be in next week on Friday if you are here I will be glad to speak to you <\/i><\/p>\n You remind me so much of Marisa <\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n I was in a small prison cell with white washed walls<\/p>\n It reeked of vomit and shit<\/p>\n In the corner huddled on his bunk was another prisoner<\/p>\n He had shit himself<\/p>\n I banged at the cell door<\/p>\n This man is in distress please help him <\/i><\/p>\n There was no answer so I repeated my plea<\/p>\n There was a bang at the door<\/p>\n What is it?<\/i><\/p>\n This man is in distress<\/i><\/p>\n He has shit himself <\/i><\/p>\n And you cannot stand the smell <\/i><\/p>\n What can I do about it?<\/i><\/p>\n Get medical help he is obviously ill<\/i><\/p>\n The doctors are all at lunch <\/i><\/p>\n They are always at lunch <\/i><\/p>\n If you are so concerned then clean him up yourself <\/i><\/p>\n There is a basin in the corner <\/i><\/p>\n He has not moved since you brought him in <\/i><\/p>\n Perhaps he is dead <\/i><\/p>\n Dead men do not shit themselves <\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Laura looked through the spy hole in the cell door<\/p>\n I felt ashamed<\/p>\n I will take him home <\/i><\/p>\n In that state <\/i><\/p>\n Would you clean him up? <\/i><\/p>\n No<\/i><\/p>\n I am not asking you to do it without payment <\/i><\/p>\n Laura opened her purse and pulled out a couple of bills<\/p>\n Please help me no taxi will accept him in that state <\/i><\/p>\n The cop accepted the bills that Laura had given him and I was dragged roughly into the showers<\/p>\n Fucking junkie you do not deserve a sister like that <\/i><\/p>\n It seemed that they were using disinfectant to clean me up<\/p>\n I was given a worn scrubbing brush<\/p>\n Here scrub yourself I am not going to touch you and if you are not pristine for your lovely sister then I will rip your balls off <\/i><\/p>\n You do not deserve a sister like that<\/i><\/p>\n Do you watch her?<\/i><\/p>\n Do you spy on her you pervert?<\/em><\/p>\n Fuck off <\/i><\/p>\n The cop hit me with his fist<\/p>\n The next time I will really hurt you<\/i><\/p>\n Do you look at her breasts when she is in the bath?<\/i><\/p>\n Do they excite you?<\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Laura came into my bedroom at about nine in the morning with a cup of coffee<\/p>\n She was fully dressed and appeared to have been out whilst I was still sleeping<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Laura the cop wants to know whether I get excited when I look at your breasts <\/i><\/p>\n Of course he does officer <\/i><\/p>\n He is a real man unlike you <\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Laura took a pistol from her bag and shot the cop between the eyes<\/p>\n He fell dead at my feet<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You said that you were not a terrorist <\/i><\/p>\n A girl can have her secrets <\/i><\/p>\n Here let me help to clean you up <\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n I sat in the back of the taxi in an ill-fitting police uniform<\/p>\n The driver drove us to a gay club in the south of the city<\/p>\n Laura had suggested this to avoid suspicion<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Laura came into my bedroom at about nine in the morning with a cup of coffee<\/p>\n She was fully dressed and appeared to have been out whilst I was still sleeping<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Why did you kill the cop?<\/i><\/p>\n What cop?<\/i><\/p>\n Here read this <\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n Laura took a pistol from her bag and shot the cop between the eyes<\/p>\n He fell dead at my feet<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You have just written it I saw you write it <\/i><\/p>\n Maria is in the kitchen <\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n Two days later Laura and Maria held a small gathering for a few friends at their apartment<\/p>\n To my surprise I was the only man<\/p>\n Of the fifteen or so people that were there I only recognised one face<\/p>\n Stella a supply teacher from Malaga<\/p>\n I had met her briefly at a book launch shortly before I was imprisoned<\/p>\n <\/p>\n That is a complete lie I do not read books at all <\/i><\/p>\n I have a French translation of Eliot\u2019s poetry in my jacket pocket <\/i><\/p>\n I do not speak French <\/i><\/p>\n I do not read poetry <\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Stella joined me at the window after a few minutes<\/p>\n It is a nice park Madrid has so many nice parks <\/i><\/p>\n Yes<\/i><\/p>\n Have you walked through it? <\/i><\/p>\n No <\/i><\/p>\n You are Laura\u2019s brother if I am not mistaken <\/i><\/p>\n No I am an Englishman called Michael Stanley Collins<\/i><\/p>\n Laura\u2019s brother died during the Spanish Civil War <\/i><\/p>\n Do you recognise me?<\/i><\/p>\n Yes you are Stella and you were born in Malaga <\/i><\/p>\n Are you still a supply teacher? <\/i><\/p>\n No I am a real one <\/i><\/p>\n Stella laughed at her own joke and let her white wine dazzle her lips<\/p>\n I have not seen you in a while <\/i><\/p>\n I have been in prison <\/i><\/p>\n How dreadful did you kill someone?<\/i><\/p>\n Madrid is full of scumbags <\/i><\/p>\n No drugs I supplied drugs <\/i><\/p>\n A financier\u2019s daughter overdosed quite badly and they came down on me<\/i><\/p>\n Did she survive?<\/i><\/p>\n I believe so <\/i><\/p>\n That\u2019s good <\/i><\/p>\n She is a researcher for the Socialists now <\/i><\/p>\n You are full of facts<\/i><\/p>\n And you <\/i><\/p>\n Well I am a teacher at a school in the west of the city<\/i><\/p>\n I am married and try to have sex at least once a week <\/i><\/p>\n Stella laughed at her own joke and let her white wine dazzle her lips<\/p>\n You went to school with my husband <\/i><\/p>\n Did I? <\/i><\/p>\n Belen R <\/i><\/p>\n No <\/i><\/p>\n Belen R <\/i><\/p>\n Oh yes the small fat girl who cried a lot<\/i><\/p>\n She is a beautiful swan now<\/i><\/p>\n But still weeps a lot when things sadden her <\/i><\/p>\n Please give her my regards <\/i><\/p>\n Better still would you like to see her <\/i><\/p>\n Is she here? <\/i><\/p>\n No<\/i><\/p>\n Stella took a top of the range phone from her jeans pocket and tapped in a code<\/p>\n See there is Belen R She is in the bath <\/i><\/p>\n She knows I am watching her <\/i><\/p>\n I have cameras set up all over my apartment <\/i><\/p>\n That must be expensive <\/i><\/p>\n It did not cost me a penny<\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Belen R had risen from the bath and was drying herself with a mauve towel<\/p>\n I watched as the cameras followed her through the apartment<\/p>\n Whilst she had thinned out greatly Belen R was still a little chubby<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Did you have them in prison? <\/i><\/p>\n Have what?<\/i><\/p>\n Webcams <\/i><\/p>\n No <\/i><\/p>\n Security cameras <\/i><\/p>\n Yes when they worked <\/i><\/p>\n It is the same principle <\/i><\/p>\n The park over there has them to keep out the scum out<\/i><\/p>\n Belen R and I have them in our apartment so we can be watched 24\/7 365 <\/i><\/p>\n By who? <\/i><\/p>\n Anybody who pays <\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Stella handed me her phone again<\/p>\n Belen R was lying on a bed with her back to the camera<\/p>\n She appeared to be masturbating<\/p>\n I handed the phone back to Stella<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Don\u2019t you like it?<\/i><\/p>\n I am an honourable man<\/i><\/p>\n Laura and Maria have camera\u2019s set up in this apartment <\/i><\/p>\n See there is one there and another one next to us here<\/i><\/p>\n I looked but could not see any cameras<\/p>\n I cannot see any <\/i><\/p>\n They are all around us with the exception of the WC <\/i><\/p>\n She drew the line at people watching her shit <\/i><\/p>\n It does not bother me though <\/i><\/p>\n If people get off watching me shit or having a period then so be it <\/i><\/p>\n I looked around the room but still could not see any cameras<\/p>\n I saw you arrive on Thursday<\/i><\/p>\n Poor you <\/i><\/p>\n Why? <\/i><\/p>\n You have such a white body <\/i><\/p>\n Prison <\/i><\/p>\n You should go to the beach <\/i><\/p>\n There are no beaches in Madrid <\/i><\/p>\n You seem to spend a great deal of time in the study <\/i><\/p>\n There are no cameras in the study <\/i><\/p>\n Laura would not let them put cameras in the study <\/i><\/p>\n Them? <\/i><\/p>\n The owners of the website <\/i><\/p>\n What website?<\/i><\/p>\n Madrid Apartments 24\/7<\/i><\/p>\n I think that is what ours is called <\/i><\/p>\n You really do not know do you? <\/i><\/p>\n No this is new to me <\/i><\/p>\n These type of webcams are really big in Spain just now<\/i><\/p>\n Do you get paid?<\/i><\/p>\n What a silly question <\/i><\/p>\n Of course we do and quite handsomely <\/i><\/p>\n How do you think that Laura and Maria could afford this palace?<\/i><\/p>\n Laura\u2019s father helped <\/i><\/p>\n He gave them money when they married <\/i><\/p>\n Laura\u2019s father did not give them any money <\/i><\/p>\n She fucked him off by marrying Maria and he is still fucked off with her <\/i><\/p>\n He could not see his daughter as a dyke <\/i><\/p>\n Laura came from very conservative money you know<\/i><\/p>\n Laura\u2019s father and his father too did very well out of Franco\u2019s Spain <\/i><\/p>\n But Franco hated gays that was the reason Lorca was murdered <\/i><\/p>\n So she funded this apartment with money from the website company?<\/i><\/p>\n Correct <\/i><\/p>\n Why did she lie to me?<\/i><\/p>\n Probably not to scare you away <\/i><\/p>\n Meaning?<\/i><\/p>\n Well have you whacked off in the shower since you have been here? <\/i><\/p>\n No I am an honourable man <\/i><\/p>\n Well if you had it would have been broadcast live on the website and that might have fucked you off a bit<\/i><\/p>\n That is why they both walk around naked at times it is part of the contract <\/i><\/p>\n I have never seen either of them naked <\/i><\/p>\n As long as we are naked at times and fuck and lick every so often then they leave you alone <\/i><\/p>\n Who <\/i><\/p>\n You are really not awake are you?<\/i><\/p>\n The companies who own the websites <\/i><\/p>\n There are many in Spain at present <\/i><\/p>\n It is quite fun you know <\/i><\/p>\n Belen R and I watch Laura and Maria and they watch us<\/i><\/p>\n Laura most probably has some discs somewhere <\/i><\/p>\n Stella must have noted recognition in my eyes<\/p>\n You have watched them <\/i><\/p>\n No I am an honourable man <\/i><\/p>\n Liar <\/i><\/p>\n What do you think?<\/i><\/p>\n I have not watched them <\/i><\/p>\n Do you know that Laura steals from the library?<\/i><\/p>\n Yes <\/i><\/p>\n Well it goes both ways as she returns discs <\/i><\/p>\n Not the Spanish Civil War ones they are in the study <\/i><\/p>\n I know <\/i><\/p>\n She returns our fuck discs <\/i><\/p>\n Recordings of Maria and herself <\/i><\/p>\n Recordings of Belen R\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n Recordings of Stella the teacher<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Recordings of all our other girlfriends <\/i><\/p>\n She swaps the labels so for instance one might show a title such as The Trams of Madrid or something equally as bland Surely the library has tumbled on this <\/i><\/p>\n They might have <\/i><\/p>\n Then why do they not stop it?<\/i><\/p>\n Because all the girls are doing it <\/i><\/p>\n They are overwhelmed<\/i><\/p>\n And I do not think they give a fuck anyway <\/i><\/p>\n I know for a fact that the head librarian has many copies <\/i><\/p>\n He is heavily into gay girls <\/i><\/p>\n How do you know?<\/i><\/p>\n Because I hold an art class for the older people on Wednesday afternoon and one of the junior librarians recognised me <\/i><\/p>\n What happened? <\/i><\/p>\n We just swopped discs and have done so on occasions since <\/i><\/p>\n You said that you teach art to the older members of the library <\/i><\/p>\n Yes <\/i><\/p>\n Do you find it rewarding? <\/i><\/p>\n Very<\/i><\/p>\n There were art workshops in prison <\/i><\/p>\n Did you attend any? <\/i><\/p>\n No <\/i><\/p>\n Why? <\/i><\/p>\n I cannot draw <\/i><\/p>\n Everybody can draw <\/i><\/p>\n I find it incredibly rewarding being surrounded by these older people <\/i><\/p>\n Some remember the civil war clearly <\/i><\/p>\n There is such a maturity to their art <\/i><\/p>\n They put a lifetime of experience into their drawings <\/i><\/p>\n And also some of the men may have watched me on the website or have stolen a disc from the library <\/i><\/p>\n That makes me wet <\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Laura who had been mingling came across to Stella and gave her a small kiss on the cheek<\/p>\n You have stolen my brother <\/i><\/p>\n I like Englishmen <\/i><\/p>\n I like their cool temperament <\/i><\/p>\n That is a generalisation Stella <\/i><\/p>\n They can be as temperamental as Spanish men<\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Laura left us as suddenly as she had found us<\/p>\n There had been a knock at the door<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I looked around the room but still could not see any cameras<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Tomorrow at about seven I will be in the shower if you want to watch <\/i><\/p>\n Belen R and I shower together on Fridays if you can wait that long I am an honourable man <\/i><\/p>\n Or just check out our back catalogue<\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n A soldier with shiny boots stood in front of me<\/p>\n I felt him place a gun against the nape of my neck<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I did not believe what Stella had told me<\/p>\n When I was finally left alone in the apartment I accessed the website<\/p>\n There were cameras in all the rooms of the apartment except the study and the WC<\/p>\n I looked around the apartment again but could not see any cameras<\/p>\n I went back to the study and rewound to see if the cameras had recorded my search<\/p>\n To my surprise the webcam had not recorded my movements<\/p>\n I tried again and again<\/p>\n There was no record of me<\/p>\n I checked the recording of the get together and there was film of Stella standing by the bookcase<\/p>\n But she was not talking to me<\/p>\n We had spoken for quite a while<\/p>\n But there was no record of my presence<\/p>\n I switched to Stella\u2019s apartment which was empty<\/p>\n I reversed the recording<\/p>\n Stella was indeed in the shower at seven in the morning<\/p>\n She waved briefly at the camera<\/p>\n She knew that I would watch the recording<\/p>\n I switched back to Laura\u2019s apartment and wound back to the day of my arrival<\/p>\n There was plenty of footage of Laura and Maria but I did not appear once<\/p>\n As I switched back to the live recording there was a knock at the door<\/p>\n A parcel was being delivered<\/p>\n I was away from the screen for about five minutes but when I returned the screen was not showing Laura\u2019s apartment but a recording of prisoners being readied for execution<\/p>\n I tried to exit<\/p>\n But the system would not let me<\/p>\n I checked my location<\/p>\n I was still logged into Madrid Apartments 24\/7<\/p>\n Some of the men were crying<\/p>\n Some stood erect and faced their executioners bravely<\/p>\n One man who did not look to be Spanish spat in the face of a soldier<\/p>\n He was immediately hit in the face with a rifle butt<\/p>\n As he lay in agony on the grass he was shot dead by another soldier<\/p>\n This soldier looked up at the camera and smiled and then lit a cigarette<\/p>\n The prisoners were tied to rough wooden posts and shot<\/p>\n They were then shot in the back of the head<\/p>\n Another prisoner who had not been executed was forced to remove his trousers<\/p>\n A soldier placed his rifle between the doomed man’s buttocks and pulled to trigger<\/p>\n The man lurched forward with a look of abject terror on his face<\/p>\n This was the punishment for homosexuals<\/p>\n I suddenly realised that I was going to vomit and rushed to the bathroom<\/p>\n When I returned I was again logged into Madrid Apartments 24\/7<\/p>\n I tapped each key on the keyboard but nothing happened<\/p>\n Finally I ended up in Stella\u2019s apartment<\/p>\n Belen R was in the kitchen cooking<\/p>\n She was wearing an orange print dress<\/p>\n <\/p>\n On my cell wall I had written in biro a quote from Camus<\/p>\n In the depth of winter. This quote gave me a lot of comfort and as the ink faded in the bright sun<\/p>\n I made the impression harder and thicker with a heavier pen<\/p>\n I was caught by a prison guard who made me clean it off<\/p>\n I did as I as told and then reapplied the quote elsewhere<\/p>\n I was discovered again and was forced to clean the latrines with a toothbrush<\/p>\n Tiring of this continued punishment I murdered both of the guards in a dream and was not bothered again<\/p>\n <\/p>\n There was a sharp knock at the door<\/p>\n I answered it and had a pistol stuck in my face<\/p>\n On your knees you fucking junkie <\/i><\/p>\n What have I done?<\/i><\/p>\n You are a card carrying member of the communist party<\/i><\/p>\n What!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And you are a faggot <\/i><\/p>\n Well this faggot is going to overdose <\/i><\/p>\n I was pushed on to the floor and a bandage was applied to my upper arm <\/i><\/p>\n It was then that I saw Maria <\/i><\/p>\n She was wearing a cop\u2019s jacket over her cream print dress<\/i><\/p>\n Is this the commie pervert who has been watching you Marisa? <\/i><\/p>\n Yes <\/i><\/p>\n Then I will let you inject him <\/i><\/p>\n He will not trouble you further <\/i><\/p>\n Thank you for reporting this to us <\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Without much care Maria plunged the needle into a vein<\/p>\n I winced at the pain<\/p>\n The bandage was removed<\/p>\n I watched the cops leave<\/p>\n That is all that I remembered<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When I came to Sinead O\u2019Connor was playing on the radio<\/p>\n Laura was walking around the apartment dusting<\/p>\n I thought you said you were clean <\/i><\/p>\n I am <\/i><\/p>\n Liar <\/i><\/p>\n The cops attacked me <\/i><\/p>\n Yes and they raped me at the same time<\/i><\/p>\n You are a fool Carlos <\/i><\/p>\n Does Maria work for the police? <\/i><\/p>\n No she is an accountant <\/i><\/p>\n She stuck the needle into my arm <\/i><\/p>\n Check the webcam <\/i><\/p>\n So you know about that <\/i><\/p>\n Stella told me <\/i><\/p>\n Bitch <\/i><\/p>\n Why are you being so hostile?<\/i><\/p>\n Because I hate commies \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n Laura came into my bedroom at about nine in the morning with a cup of coffee<\/p>\n She was fully dressed and appeared to have been out whilst I was still sleeping<\/p>\n <\/p>\n She killed him you know <\/i><\/p>\n Killed who?<\/i><\/p>\n Carlos <\/i><\/p>\n Who killed Carlos? <\/i><\/p>\n Marisa killed Carlos <\/i><\/p>\n The old woman\u2019s sister <\/i><\/p>\n Yes <\/i><\/p>\n Why did she do that? <\/i><\/p>\n Because she was a psychopath <\/i><\/p>\n She hated men<\/i><\/p>\n There were a lot of psychopaths around during the civil war <\/i><\/p>\n Just as there were a lot of psychopaths around during World War Two <\/i><\/p>\n War is a breeding ground for psychopaths<\/i><\/p>\n How do you know this?<\/i><\/p>\n You told me <\/i><\/p>\n You were there<\/i><\/p>\n Marisa was your lover <\/i><\/p>\n I do not remember Marisa <\/i><\/p>\n Do you remember the cornfield? \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n What cornfield?<\/i><\/p>\n She seduced you<\/i><\/p>\n You were so happy to see her breasts <\/i><\/p>\n You were a vigin<\/em><\/p>\n You made love and just as you were about to achieve orgasm she shot you in the face <\/i><\/p>\n That is why you are blind <\/i><\/p>\n I am not blind <\/i><\/p>\n Could you see yourself on the webcam?<\/i><\/p>\n No <\/i><\/p>\n That is because you are blind <\/i><\/p>\n So you are saying Marisa killed me in the cornfield? <\/i><\/p>\n Yes <\/i><\/p>\n But I escaped to Argentina and assumed the identity of an Englishman <\/i><\/p>\n She blew your brains out Carlos <\/i><\/p>\n She killed you <\/i><\/p>\n You were left to rot in that cornfield <\/i><\/p>\n You have no final resting place <\/i><\/p>\n Marisa Gomez killed upwards of forty men before her miserable life was ended by that sniper <\/i><\/p>\n She is one of the most famous psychopaths of the Spanish Civil War <\/i><\/p>\n I do not know why I am telling you this <\/i><\/p>\n You are perfectly aware of the history of Marisa Gomez<\/i><\/p>\n Why do you think the old lady torched the fields?<\/i><\/p>\n It was to cover her sister\u2019s crimes<\/i><\/p>\n But being young she did not do it very well <\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n If I am blind Laura how could I see all your recordings? <\/i><\/p>\n I saw you and Maria <\/i><\/p>\n Stella and Belen R <\/i><\/p>\n I watched everything <\/i><\/p>\n I trust you enjoyed them <\/i><\/p>\n I am an honourable man <\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n I felt the medic trying to find a pulse<\/p>\n They were stretching me out<\/p>\n Laura was crying<\/p>\n Maria was crying<\/p>\n Stella was crying<\/p>\n Belen R was crying<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Madrid Apartments 24\/7 had taken the greatest number of hits in their short history<\/p>\n A junkie had died live on their website<\/p>\n The advertising revenue was sure to rise<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I felt my body stiffening<\/p>\n Rigor Mortis was setting in<\/p>\n I had been dead for hours<\/p>\n Still the medics checked for my pulse<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He is dead can you not see that?<\/i><\/p>\n He must have taken a tankful of whatever he took <\/i><\/p>\n I thought he was clean <\/i><\/p>\n So did I <\/i><\/p>\n Junkies are never clean <\/i><\/p>\n He did not even realise he was blind \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n He was such an honourable man <\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n The room was filled with small grey monitors and for a small charge one could watch anything that was not illegal<\/p>\n Two men of Middle Eastern appearance were chatting to their wives and kissing the screen when their children appeared with their toys<\/p>\n That is where I found Laura sitting in front of monitor four watching grainy film of a long forgotten war<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n I have just completed my sixth book of poetry<\/p>\n It will be my last<\/p>\n I have no more poetry left in me<\/p>\n I returned to Argentina ten years ago<\/p>\n It was safe for me to return<\/p>\n I have called my last book of poems<\/p>\n Laura<\/p>\n After my late sister<\/p>\n Who was raped and killed in a cornfield by a Falangist in the summer of 1938<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Michael Stanley Collins<\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The room was filled with small grey monitors and for a small charge one could watch anything that was not illegal Two men of Middle Eastern appearance were chatting to their wives and kissing the screen when their children appeared with their toys That is where I found Laura sitting in front of monitor four […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3121"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3121"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3121\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3121"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3121"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3121"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n<\/i><\/p>\n
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\nI finally learned that within me
\nThere lay an invincible summer <\/i><\/p>\n
\n<\/i><\/p>\n