Sir <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You asked for my audience <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Captain Wilberforce <\/p>\n\n\n\n
How nice of you to come<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Please take a chair <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That is okay <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I have plenty <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Enough for the whole platoon <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That is if we had a platoon <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then please sit on my only knee <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I will if you do not touch me <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I really do like girls <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Well not the ugly ones <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Like your late lady wife<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She was no lady <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So the rumours were true <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am afraid that they were<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Wilberforce do you know <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why you are here <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because I walked along Trench W<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And then Trench A<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I did not use Trench R <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As the orchids are early this year <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That said Trench I and Trench S<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Do not have orchids <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Early or not<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Is Trench H <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Still passable <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I cannot say that<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I noticed sir <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I can confirm <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That Trenches E and L and L<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Are full of water <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Such a clever recreational facility <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The army certainly looks after its own <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We are thinking about a sauna <\/p>\n\n\n\n
For when the nights draw in<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jolly Good Sir <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Captain Wilberforce do you know <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why I called you here <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It is probably because <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am so effeminate <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Wearing dresses <\/p>\n\n\n\n
With no bloomers <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And all that<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sadly it is less serious than that<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh dear are you still mad <\/p>\n\n\n\n
About the supply ship <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What supply ship <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The one I mined by accident <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was carrying Boris <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Regimental Camel <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Poor Boris <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I bet she got the hump <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hump <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh yes <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Very good <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I will remember that for the officers party<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The King might like it <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Although where it is a trifle abstract <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He might not understand it <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I agree sir <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Inbreeding the curse of our times <\/p>\n\n\n\n
There have been reports <\/p>\n\n\n\n
From long dead soldiers <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That when you go over the top <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the face of death and impossible odds <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That you do not hum the National Anthem<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But at the top of your voice shout<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Boing Boing With My Eyes Closed<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It is Boing Boing Boing With My Eyes Closed<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There are three boings not two <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Two boings do not really work <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why do you do that Captain Wilberforce <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because I am so happy to be at war <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some of the enemy snipers <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Have very interesting stamp collections <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And we exchange our doubles <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It is against Kings Regulations <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Which state specifically <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That when you go over the top <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You are supposed to kill the enemy<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And not exchange stamps with them <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What about dried flowers with subtle perfumes <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Those too <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh what a stinking bore <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am afraid that I must recommend <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You for a Court Martial<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Wow that is very generous of you sir <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My own Court Martial how exciting<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When will I meet these spiffing chaps<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Never as they are all dead <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh Boo Oh Boo Oh Boo<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Captain Wilberforce do you not realise <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The seriousness of your current station <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have never thought Virginia Water<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To be all that serious<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It is a matter of taste I suppose<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You will be given two choices <\/p>\n\n\n\n
To be Shot at Dawn <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Or left in No Mans Land <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Surrounded by barbed wire <\/p>\n\n\n\n
With only a haddock for company <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And with a target on my back<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh yes with a target on your back<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sir you spoil me <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Shot at Dawn <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I like Dawn immensely <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So kind and accommodating<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She is very adventurous <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And does not mind which hole <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dawn in my sister Captain Wilberforce<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She might be a tart <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But she is still my sister<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh lucky you <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Do you still share a bed <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yes when Nanny is away <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I get the hot water bottle <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The one with the knitted cover<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yes <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I call it Pesky Poo<\/p>\n\n\n\n
No Mans Land<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why do they call it <\/p>\n\n\n\n
No Mans Land <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Is it full of young maidens <\/p>\n\n\n\n
With nothing on <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Unfortunately not<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It is an area between the trenches<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Where nothing survives <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not even soldiers <\/p>\n\n\n\n
They are first to die <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You said barbed wire sir<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Is it new or second hand <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I prefer it new <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As there are less<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mangled body parts<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Tangled in the wire <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Call me a sissy <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But they go off so quickly <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sir if I chose No Mans Land <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Do you think that I would be allowed <\/p>\n\n\n\n
To build a small wooden hut<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nothing fancy<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Just a few bookshelves <\/p>\n\n\n\n
A lift plus a wine cellar<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And a tunnel back to good old Blighty<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am not a greedy man <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let it be said <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He is not a greedy man <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The barbed wire is it an extra <\/p>\n\n\n\n
No it is part of the package <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then I will take No Mans Land <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Please apologise to your sister<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She does not really smell <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But needs to do something <\/p>\n\n\n\n
About her pubic fungus<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The barbed wire was the tie breaker sir<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I will be able to write my memoirs <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Without the pesky foxes getting in <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I thought you wrote anti-war poems <\/p>\n\n\n\n
No that is not me <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think that you are the war poet sir <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh yes how silly of me to forget <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You also wrote the works of Milton <\/p>\n\n\n\n
During the last ceasefire<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I did <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Again how silly of me to forget<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Wilberforce are you tired of this idle chat <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I would much prefer to be in the Messy Officers <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That stuck in this awful wretched trench <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I would happily buy you a Somerset Beer <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And a stick of salted celery dipped in blood <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My Court Martial you have not mentioned it again <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh that <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Consider it cancelled Wilberforce<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sorry to be a favourite uncle and let you down <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was so looking forward to my Court Martial<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh my bum stinks Captain Wilberforce <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then I suggest you wash it sir <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I tell you what I will recommend <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You for one of those crosses <\/p>\n\n\n\n
They are becoming very popular these days <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Men are climbing over each other to win them <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What colour would you like <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Any colour as long as it is blue <\/p>\n\n\n\n
May I swop it for your battle whistle<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It is already yours <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I never found a use for it myself <\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Sir You asked for my audience Captain Wilberforce How nice of you to come Please take a chair That is okay As I have plenty Enough for the whole platoon That is if we had a platoon Then please sit on my only knee I will if you do not touch me As I really […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-36053","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36053","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=36053"}],"version-history":[{"count":14,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36053\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":36074,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36053\/revisions\/36074"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=36053"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=36053"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=36053"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}