{"id":4068,"date":"2020-09-02T08:49:40","date_gmt":"2020-09-02T07:49:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stuartpoetry.art\/?p=4068"},"modified":"2020-09-02T08:49:40","modified_gmt":"2020-09-02T07:49:40","slug":"if-i-were-a-tortoise","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/2020\/09\/02\/if-i-were-a-tortoise\/","title":{"rendered":"If I Were a Tortoise"},"content":{"rendered":"<div>I often\u00a0think that if I was a girl<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>That I would be a lesbian<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>Or at least bat for both sides<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>As men on the whole are pigs<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>And are only really interested in themselves<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>No matter how nice they are at the beginning<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>Women are different as they are gentle and comforting<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>And function on many plains seen and unseen<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>They care and are by their nature very considerate<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>I have prayed to God but he has not answered me<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>Yet he has changed me into a tortoise<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>A pretty tortoise but a tortoise nonetheless<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>My wife has left me as sex was painful messy and quite complicated<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>And I am now alone in the garden of the house that I once owned<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>I asked a street artist to paint my shell bright in rainbow colours<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>So that I could participate in the pride marches however slowly<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>But he fucked that up and I now look like infants slow painting<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>There are no homosexual tortoises which suprises me a little<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>It is all about the texture of our shells you see and the geography<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>I often wish that God would change me into a beautiful girl<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>But he ignores me as I think that he is disgusted at my thoughts<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>But one day I hope that he will forgive me and call me Phillipa<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>If that happens I will cruise the dyke clubs and call myself Pippa<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>But for now I must satisfy myself with the garden shed<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>Which at least is comfortable and warm during the harsher months<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>And the elderly couple next door still feed me although the food is bland<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>I hate the fucking lettuce leaves and would sell myself for a Sunday Roast<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>But then again life is a shit and then you die or at least this is what I am told<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>Yet all is not lost as I have a friend called Zoko Therapy who has promised to help me transition<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>It will take many years but I am very hopeful about my future sapphic life in Milton Keynes<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I often\u00a0think that if I was a girl That I would be a lesbian Or at least bat for both sides As men on the whole are pigs And are only really interested in themselves No matter how nice they are at the beginning Women are different as they are gentle and comforting And function [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4068"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4068"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4068\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4068"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4068"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4068"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}