{"id":4604,"date":"2020-09-29T14:53:57","date_gmt":"2020-09-29T13:53:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stuartpoetry.art\/?p=4604"},"modified":"2020-09-29T14:53:57","modified_gmt":"2020-09-29T13:53:57","slug":"my-prison-diary-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/2020\/09\/29\/my-prison-diary-2\/","title":{"rendered":"My Prison Diary"},"content":{"rendered":"
We have a very large bath in our farm cottage which I am told was previously used as a cow bath<\/div>\n
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This said the size gives one a sense of freedom but it does have its drawbacks as the bath overlooks a farm square<\/div>\n
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This square is often the scene of rural riots caused by poverty in the countryside and the increased use of farm machines<\/div>\n
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I bathe once a week to save water but this backfired on me last Sunday when my wife invited a number of her friends around for dinner<\/div>\n
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On the whole her friends are pleasant enough but their endless chatter infuriates me and none except my beautiful wife are easy on the eye<\/div>\n
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But on that fateful afternoon as another riot was taking place in the square I was joined by at least six of my wife’s fat friends<\/div>\n
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At first I was not aware of the invasion as I had closed my eyes but I was soon alarmed when what appeared to a tsunami began to hit the ornate taps<\/div>\n
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I opened my eyes and was faced with the fat arse of Beryl Roberts and the pendulous breasts of Hilda Perkins the postmistress<\/div>\n
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As I reeled from the shock I heard a window cave in near the milking shed and knew that the riot was reaching its peak<\/div>\n
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Four more of my wife’s large friends slid into my bath and two of the soap trays were swamped immediately<\/div>\n
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I was faced with a scene of utter female devastation with my eyes being soured by fat bottoms and unkempt pubic hair and breasts which appeared to float on the surface of my bath<\/div>\n
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It was then that a cop leaned through the open window and handed me a fluorescent bib just in case I had to walk into the village<\/div>\n
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I thanked him and placed my yellow bib on to the cow gate that I had converted into a towel heater<\/div>\n
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As I closed my eyes again I was tapped on my shoulder by Mrs Gates the wife of the local blacksmith who demanded that all of the women in the bath should have one each<\/div>\n
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My protests fell on deaf ears and slowly but surely I rose from my hiding place trying to secrete my balls as I was painfully shy<\/div>\n
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All the women started laughing at my spotty arse and Mrs Gates grabbed my arm causing my tiny cock to fall from my grasp<\/div>\n
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I felt myself blushing and I was also aware that I was beginning to harden a little and all my wife’s friends were fully aware<\/div>\n
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Mrs Line who was nearest to me gabbed my cock and started to caress the tiny creature<\/div>\n
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I knew that I was doomed<\/div>\n
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But at that moment I found God which had been an ambition of mine for many years as PC Matthews handed me six extra large bibs which I immediately handed to Mrs Line<\/div>\n
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It was then that I made my escape and I jumped from the cow bath grabbing a towel with my wife’s friends now more interested in their fluorescent vests than me<\/div>\n
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I ran into the kitchen to find my wife reading a philosophy book and making notes<\/div>\n
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She looked up and asked me why I was erect as I must have been to Hell and back<\/div>\n
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I told her that it was a long story but at least I had found God and upon hearing my answer she threw her book through the open window and insisted that we pray<\/div>\n
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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We have a very large bath in our farm cottage which I am told was previously used as a cow bath This said the size gives one a sense of freedom but it does have its drawbacks as the bath overlooks a farm square This square is often the scene of rural riots caused by […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4604"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4604"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4604\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4604"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4604"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4604"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}