Up to the age of fifteen I lived in a large house that backed on to the railway<\/p>\n
I loved the railway and I loved my house<\/p>\n
I loved my parents and I loved my brother and sisters<\/p>\n
To me the railway was always on the move even though the lines were quite still<\/p>\n
It was part of the evolutionary process and it was growing day by day<\/p>\n
The railway was part of the wider universe and because of that I too was part of this process<\/p>\n
Nothing was ever still and everything was expanding at an alarming rate<\/p>\n
This alarmed me and comforted me at the same time because I knew that God existed<\/p>\n
He loved me as much as my parents loved me<\/p>\n
He loved me as much as my brother and sisters loved me<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
My garden had a number of mysterious species of flowers growing in the wild grasses<\/p>\n
I could not identify these flowers as they did not appear in books<\/p>\n
My favourites were the red flowers that appeared to have silver stems<\/p>\n
These were the most beautiful flowers in God’s garden and selfishly I thought that they all belonged to me<\/p>\n
My Aunt Gertrude tried to tell me their name but I covered my ears and hummed loudly<\/p>\n
She thought me quite rude but I did not want to identify these mystical flowers and never tried to find out<\/p>\n
Even to this day I am unaware of their true names<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
There were two girls called Rachel Keen in the village<\/p>\n
I was friends with them both and they were friendly with each other<\/p>\n
But they could not have been so different<\/p>\n
Although they were the same age and shared the same birthday<\/p>\n
One was tall and blond and was very attractive<\/p>\n
She came from a well to do family and wanted for nothing<\/p>\n
Sadly as she got older this spoiled her a little and she drifted out of my circle<\/p>\n
The other Rachel had contracted Polio at a young age and had to walk with a calliper<\/p>\n
But this did not damage her at all as she was sunny with everybody<\/p>\n
Even though the disability caused her much hurt<\/p>\n
She could not run or climb trees or swim in the river and although part of our gang would always be found sitting awkwardly usually reading a book<\/p>\n
In later life this paid dividends as she went to a fine university where she attained a double first<\/p>\n
She still lives in the village and is the headmistress of the local school<\/p>\n
I still keep in contact with her and find that her friendship brings me a great joy as it did when we were children<\/p>\n
The other Rachel no longer lives in the village but in a town nearby<\/p>\n
In a way she has led an unhappy life even though she had all the gifts<\/p>\n
She dropped out of university as it bored her and married a merchant at just eighteen<\/p>\n
This was a great mistake as it only lasted a year<\/p>\n
Two more mistakes followed and now single she owns a small gift shop<\/p>\n
I see her from time to time and although she puts on an act I can sense her unhappiness<\/p>\n
She is still beautiful but knows this to be superficial and no matter how hard she tries cannot find much under the surface<\/p>\n
About a year ago she confided in me that for the first time in her life she is jealous of the other Rachel<\/p>\n
Even though they are good friends<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
At the age of fifteen my father sold his business and we moved to London<\/p>\n
This shattered my world and I think that it changed me greatly<\/p>\n
I was still an affable and good natured chap but this hid an emptiness inside of me<\/p>\n
As I missed the mysterious flowers that grew in my wild garden<\/p>\n
But most of all I missed the railway<\/p>\n
Evolution had begun to mystify me and I no longer felt part of the process<\/p>\n
I was marooned in a place that I did not recognise<\/p>\n
When I was eight I knew that everything was transient especially beauty<\/p>\n
That nothing remains the same forever<\/p>\n
But I knew there was a God<\/p>\n
And this brought me comfort and helped me to make sense of things<\/p>\n
In short I have become confused<\/p>\n
I still love God and know that he loves me<\/p>\n
I still love my parents and care for their needs<\/p>\n
I love my beautiful wife and our lovely children<\/p>\n
And I know that my siblings love me<\/p>\n
I love and am loved by everyone around me<\/p>\n
But there is a hollowness at my core<\/p>\n
I have identified it but as yet have not found a cure<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I may have been wrong but about five years ago I purchased my childhood home<\/p>\n
It was not that I especially wanted to move back to the village but I needed to own my past<\/p>\n
To some extent this decision was the right one as it has slowed me down<\/p>\n
But so much has changed<\/p>\n
In the years since we moved the house and garden have changed<\/p>\n
There is a very small swimming pool where the wild grasses used to grow and the house and garden now have an empty manicured feel<\/p>\n
My mysterious flowers have vanished without trace and no matter how hard I try I cannot find my beloved red and silver flowers<\/p>\n
But the biggest change is that the house no longer backs on to the railway as it was closed due a series of landslips down the line<\/p>\n
What I thought to be a main line was only a branch line<\/p>\n
When I look into the cutting now all I see is a muddy path littered in places with rusting farm machinery<\/p>\n
Rachel’s father purchased the land from the railways on closure but has not really found a use for it.<\/p>\n
His daughter tells him it would be an ideal nature trail for the school but that is as far as it gets<\/p>\n
The railway is dead it is no longer there<\/p>\n
Trains no longer pass my house<\/p>\n
They are only ghosts now and they have no place in the evolutionary process<\/p>\n
It feels that this part of the universe is now dead and I am the gatekeeper of an empty road that has no beginning and no end<\/p>\n
But this only confirms my belief in God as I now know that he has a sense of humour<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Up to the age of fifteen I lived in a large house that backed on to the railway I loved the railway and I loved my house I loved my parents and I loved my brother and sisters To me the railway was always on the move even though the lines were quite still It […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6049"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6049"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6049\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6049"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6049"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6049"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}