{"id":8617,"date":"2021-09-21T12:33:31","date_gmt":"2021-09-21T11:33:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stuartpoetry.art\/?p=8617"},"modified":"2021-09-21T14:47:42","modified_gmt":"2021-09-21T13:47:42","slug":"northern-scene-and-heard","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/2021\/09\/21\/northern-scene-and-heard\/","title":{"rendered":"Northern Scene and Heard"},"content":{"rendered":"

Phillip and Angela Feed the Pigeons<\/strong><\/p>\n

The mother and daughter were chatting on the coach<\/p>\n

They did not draw breath<\/p>\n

I know it was so tedious<\/p>\n

At least they got on together<\/p>\n

That is good<\/p>\n

I went through a traumatic time Stella<\/p>\n

Why was their conversation that boring<\/p>\n

It was the one on the subject of eyebrows<\/p>\n

Eyebrows<\/p>\n

Well if you think that was bad the daughter revealed a secret that I did not want to hear<\/p>\n

What was that our Alfie<\/p>\n

It was that she did not shave her armpits<\/p>\n

I do not shave my armpits<\/p>\n

I know but you are a beautiful northern lass<\/p>\n

A bit brassy but in some lights you rub up well<\/p>\n

Then why did it disturb your our Alfie<\/p>\n

Because she was so fucking ugly Julie<\/p>\n

Did you not see her face<\/p>\n

She was fatter than her mother and she were fat<\/p>\n

I only saw them from behind as they got off the coach<\/p>\n

That is a cruel thing to say Len but I suppose it is true<\/p>\n

My point is that only beautiful women should have hairy armpits<\/p>\n

It both contradicts and enhances they beauty<\/p>\n

A bit like grunge<\/p>\n

If I knew what grunge was I think I would agree<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Freddie Truman\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

I were in Skipton recently<\/p>\n

Was it nice<\/p>\n

It were grand<\/p>\n

Did you see the statue of our Freddie<\/p>\n

Nope<\/p>\n

I asked the barmaid on the barge<\/p>\n

Lucy<\/p>\n

Yes<\/p>\n

What did she say<\/p>\n

She had never heard of Fred Truman<\/p>\n

The most famous cricketer to hail from these parts<\/p>\n

That was what she said<\/p>\n

Did you see the statue<\/p>\n

Yes it were on the other side of canal<\/p>\n

Who told you that<\/p>\n

Pete<\/p>\n

The skipper of the barge<\/p>\n

The one whose son ended up in Clitheroe<\/p>\n

Yes that’s him<\/p>\n

When I saw hum he were crying<\/p>\n

Lucy<\/p>\n

Lucy<\/p>\n

He said that when you think that she cant go any lower<\/p>\n

She does<\/p>\n

She is by far the dimmest girl in these parts<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

God<\/strong><\/p>\n

I found God on Windermere this morning<\/p>\n

That was noce for you Albert<\/p>\n

Where were eee<\/p>\n

Propping up the bar I suppose<\/p>\n

Yur will go to ell our Annie<\/p>\n

Well how did you find him<\/p>\n

On deck<\/p>\n

The upper deck<\/p>\n

In one<\/p>\n

What was he doing<\/p>\n

He was not actually there<\/p>\n

Then where were he<\/p>\n

This might be a bit hard fr you to understand our Lucy<\/p>\n

You know I went to college in Halifax<\/p>\n

Well I learnt a few things there<\/p>\n

You were doing lecctrics and ayei<\/p>\n

I know but I learned other fings<\/p>\n

Such as do not get all posh on me our Stevie<\/p>\n

I learned about God<\/p>\n

I saw you about town with the vicars daughter right jealous I was<\/p>\n

No it was deeper than that<\/p>\n

I learned about metafisics<\/p>\n

Meta whot<\/p>\n

About the meaning of fings<\/p>\n

So how did you found God<\/p>\n

Well you know how beautiful it is out on the lake<\/p>\n

I do I almost cry<\/p>\n

That is because our Roger trys to chuck thee in<\/p>\n

No I cry because of the beauty the lingering clouds over the distant hills<\/p>\n

Fuckin ell Sofe where did you lean to speek like that<\/p>\n

At private skool before Dad topped imself<\/p>\n

Well I was marvellin over all the beauty and the subtle dissapation of thee light<\/p>\n

When a woman from a coach party sat directly in front of me<\/p>\n

So<\/p>\n

Well she were not that beautiful a bit pear shaped if i tell the truth<\/p>\n

So hoe did you find God<\/p>\n

I saw her bum crack as her belt was loose<\/p>\n

You normally like bums<\/p>\n

I know<\/p>\n

You like mee bum a lot<\/p>\n

I know<\/p>\n

You say it is the most beautiful bum in these parts apart from Rachel Moody<\/p>\n

You have a beautiful bum Rach but this ladies bum was not lovely<\/p>\n

It were all white and you could see the veins and the swet rash and you must realise that I only saw a fraction of it<\/p>\n

So where do God come into it<\/p>\n

Well you know that I was going on about beauty the lake and the hills and all that<\/p>\n

Yes<\/p>\n

Well I fought that because that womans bum was so ugly and the lake so beautiful that somebody must have a sense of humour<\/p>\n

A higher being<\/p>\n

Exactly<\/p>\n

And that is how I found God<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Phillip and Angela Feed the Pigeons The mother and daughter were chatting on the coach They did not draw breath I know it was so tedious At least they got on together That is good I went through a traumatic time Stella Why was their conversation that boring It was the one on the subject […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8617"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8617"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8617\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8617"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8617"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stuartmillerosborne.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8617"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}